Marvin Gardens
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Registered: 09-2003
Location: Souf Missippy
Posts: 492
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 Rules for a Southern Visit
THE RULES OF THE SOUTH
> >>
> >> If you are going to live, or visit in the South, you need to
know
> >>the rules.
> >>
> >> In an effort to help outsiders understand the rules of the
> >>Southerner's mind, the following list will be handed to each person as
> >>they
> >>enter a Southern State.
> >>
> >> 1. That slope-shouldered farm boy did more work before
breakfast
> >>than you do all week at the gym.
> >>
> >> 2. It's called a "gravel road," No matter how slow you drive,
> >>you're
> >>going to get dust on your Navigator. Drive it or get it out of the way.
> >>
> >> 3. The red dirt -- it's called clay. Red clay. If you like the
> >>color, don't wash your car for a couple weeks -- it'll be permanent. The
> >>big
> >>lumps of it -- they're called "clods."
> >>
> >> 4. We all started hunting and fishing when we were seven years
> >>old.
> >>Yeah, we saw Bambi. We got over it.
> >>
> >> 5. Any references to "corn fed" when talking about our women
will
> >>get you whipped -- by our women.
> >>
> >> 6. Go ahead and bring your $600 Orvis Fly Rod. Don't cry to us
if
>
> >>a
> >>flathead breaks it off at the handle. We have a name for those
> >>little13-inch
> >>trout you fish for -- bait.
> >>
> >> 7. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.
> >>
> >> 8. Men, if you want to wear earrings, pierce your nose and
> >>whatever,
> >>and wear your hair long, go right ahead, but if we call you ma'am, don't
> >>be
> >>offended.
> >>
> >> 9. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are
making
> >>their final approach, we will shoot it. You might want to ensure it's
not
> >>up
> >>to your ear at the time.
> >>
> >> 10.. That's right, whiskey is only two bucks. We can buy a
fifth
> >>for
> >>what you paid in the airport for one drink.
> >>
> >> 11. No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu. Order
steak.
> >>Order it rare. Or, you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the two
> >>pounds of ham and turkey.
> >>
> >> 12. Tea - yeah, we have tea. It comes in a glass over ice and
is
> >>sweet. You want it hot -- sit it in the sun. You want it unsweetened --
> >>add
> >>a lot of water.
> >>
> >> 13. You bring Coke into my house, it better be brown, wet, and
> >>served over ice.
> >>
> >> 14. So you have a sixty-thousand dollar car. We're real
> >>impressed.
> >>We have a quarter of a million dollar combine that we only use two weeks
a
> >>year.
> >>
> >> 15. Let's get this straight. We have one stoplight in town. We
> >>stop
> >>when it's red. We may even stop when it's yellow.
> >>
> >> 16. Our women hunt, fish, and drive trucks -- because they want
> >>to.
> >>So, you're a feminist. Isn't that cute!
> >>
> >> 17. We eat dinner together with our families, we pray before we
> >>eat
> >>(yeah, even breakfast), we go to church on Wednesdays and Sundays, we go
> >>to
> >>high school football games on Friday nights, we still address our
seniors
> >>with "yes, sir" and "yes, ma'am," and we sometimes still take Sunday
> >>drives
> >>around town to see friends and neighbors.
> >>
> >> 18. We don't do "hurry up" well.
> >>
> >> 19. Greens - yeah, we have greens, but you don't putt on them.
> >>You
> >>boil them with either salty fatback, bacon or a ham hock.
> >>
> >> 20. Yeah, we eat catfish, bass, bream and carp. You really want
> >>sushi and caviar? It's available at the bait shop.
> >>
> >> 21. They are pigs. That's what they smell like. Get over it.
> >>Don't
> >>like it? Interstate 65 goes two ways - Interstate 40 goes the other two.
> >>Pick one.
> >>
> >> 22. Grits are corn. You put butter, salt, and maybe even some
> >>pepper
> >>on and if you want to put milk and sugar on them? Then you want cream of
> >>wheat -- go to Kansas. That would be I-40 West.
> >>
> >> 23. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season or dove
> >>season. Both are holidays. You can get pancakes, cane syrup, and sausage
> >>before daylight at the church on either day.
> >>
> >> 24. So every person in every pickup waves? Yeah, it's called
> >>being
> >>friendly. Understand the concept?
> >>
> >> 25. Yeah, we have golf courses. Don't hit in the water hazards.
> >>It
> >>spooks the fish and bothers the gators -- and if you hit it in the
rough,
> >>we
> >>have these things called diamondbacks, and they're not baseball players.
> >>
> >> 26. That Highway Patrol Officer that just pulled you over for
> >>driving like an idiot -- his name is "Sir," no matter how young he is.
> >>
> >> 27. We have lots of pine trees. They have sap. It drips from
> >>them.
> >>You park your Navigator under them, and they'll leave a logo on your
hood.
> >>
> >> 28. You burn an American flag in our state, you get beat up. No
> >>questions. The liberal contingent of our state legislature -- all four
of
> >>them -- enacted a measure to stop this. There is now a $2.50 fine for
> >>beating up the flag burner.
> >>
> >> Now, enjoy your visit!
 God Bless, Marv
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