MarkDay
Head Administrator
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Registered: 06-2003
Location: North Yorkshire
Posts: 3113
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Are you ready to have children?
Are you ready to have children?
Test 1 - Preparation
Women: To prepare for pregnancy:-
1. Put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag down the front.
2. Leave it there.
3. After 9 months remove 5% of the beans.
Men: To prepare for children:-
1. Go to a local chemist, tip the contents of your wallet onto the counter and tell the pharmacist to help himself
2. Go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office.
3. Go home. Pick up the newspaper and read it for the last time.
Test 2 - Knowledge
Find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels and how they have allowed their children to run wild. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners and overall behavior.
Enjoy it. It will be the last time in your life that you will have all the answers.
Test 3 - Nights
To discover how the nights will feel:
1. Walk around the living room from 5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 4 - 6kg, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly.
2. At 10pm, put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight and go to sleep.
3. Get up at 11pm and walk the bag around the living room until 1am.
4. Set the alarm for 3am.
5. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2am and make a cup of tea.
6. Go to bed at 2.45am.
7. Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off.
8. Sing songs in the dark until 4am.
9. Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up when it goes off.
10. Make breakfast.
Keep this up for 5 years. LOOK CHEERFUL.
Test 4 - Dressing Small Children
1. Buy a live octopus and a string bag.
2. Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that no arms hang out.
Time Allowed: 5 minutes.
Test 5 - Cars
1. Forget the BMW. Buy a practical 5-door wagon.
2. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there.
3. Get a coin. Insert it into the CD player.
4. Take a box of chocolate biscuits; mash them into the back seat.
5. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.
Test 6 - Going For a Walk
Wait
Go out the front door
Come back in again
Go out
Come back in again
Go out again
Walk down the front path
Walk back up it
Walk down it again
Walk very slowly down the road for five minutes.
Stop, inspect minutely and ask at least 6 questions about every piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead insect along the way.
Retrace your steps
Scream that you have had as much as you can stand until the neighbours come out and stare at you.
Give up and go back into the house.
You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.
Test 7
Repeat everything you say at least 5 times.
Test 8 - Grocery Shopping
1. Go to the local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can find to a pre-school child - a fully grown goat is excellent. If you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat.
2. Buy your weekly groceries without letting the goat(s) out of your sight.
3. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys.
Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.
Test 9 - Feeding a 1 year-old
1. Hollow out a melon
2. Make a small hole in the side
3. Suspend the melon from the ceiling and swing it side to side
4. Now get a bowl of soggy cornflakes and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon while pretending to be an aeroplane.
5. Continue until half the cornflakes are gone.
6. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor.
Test 10 - TV
1. Learn the names of every character from the Wiggles, Barney, Teletubbies and Disney.
2. Watch nothing else on television for at least 5 years.
Test 11 - Mess
Can you stand the mess children make? To find out:
1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains
2. Hide a fish behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.
3. Stick your fingers in the flowerbeds and then rub them on clean walls. Cover the stains with crayon. How does that look?
4. Empty every drawer/cupboard/storage box in your house onto the floor & leave it there.
Test 12 - Long Trips with Toddlers
1. Make a recording of someone shouting 'Mummy' repeatedly. Important Notes: No more than a 4 second delay between each Mummy. Include occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet.
2. Play this tape in your car, everywhere you go for the next 4 years.
You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.
Test 13 - Conversations
1. Start talking to an adult of your choice.
2. Have someone else continually tug on your shirt hem or shirt sleeve while playing the Mummy tape listed above.
You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room.
Test 14 - Getting ready for work
1. Pick a day on which you have an important meeting.
2. Put on your finest work attire.
3. Take a cup of cream and put 1 cup of lemon juice in it
4. Stir
5. Dump half of it on your nice silk shirt
6. Saturate a towel with the other half of the mixture
7. Attempt to clean your shirt with the same saturated towel
8. Do not change (you have no time).
9. Go directly to work
You are now ready to have children.
--- Bickleygate holsteins
"I have not failed 1000 times, I have discovered a 1000 ways that do not work"-Thomas Edison |
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16/7/2008, 12:55
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Big Bird
Cowtalk Staff
Global user
Registered: 06-2003
Posts: 2820
Karma: 33 (+33/-0)
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Re: Are you ready to have children?
Very accurate.
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16/7/2008, 13:44
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PEOVEREYE
EX95
Global user
Registered: 02-2005
Posts: 604
Karma: 6 (+6/-0)
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…
Yeah but we got 1 whose 8 wish we had more .
I chariman of school PTA as daft as it sounds a little bit so that i a bit more involved in what niamh does at the meeting fro new parents the other week i warned all parents "that no one looks back and wishes they spent less time with their kids"
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16/7/2008, 14:51
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classcow
EX95
Global user
Registered: 07-2004
Posts: 579
Karma: 33 (+33/-0)
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Are you ready to have children?
All so true but ohhhh so worth it all! Thanks for sharing - funny.
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17/7/2008, 1:42
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DaleKOntario
VG87
Global user
Registered: 12-2005
Posts: 108
Karma: 4 (+4/-0)
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Re: Are you ready to have children?
Ahhh well.
As for the nights... #1 didn't sleep more than 20 minutes at a stretch for the first 3 months of her life, a couple hours for the rest of her first year, started sleeping through about a week before her sister was born when she was 14 months old. #2 slept 30 minutes at a time for about the same length of time. By the time she started sleeping through, her mother was pregnant with twins with a very troubled pregnancy that had both of us up most nights until we lost them at 22 wks pregnant. Then son #1 was born 26 months after daughter #2, the night he was born he slept 9 hours straight and we wondered what was wrong with him. He's worked his way steadily up now to sleeping 14-15 hours every night at 27 months old, the only blip was two nights when he was teething. Lost another baby about 9 months after he was born, then son #2 was born in March and he's sleeping just as well as his brother. BUT the girls still get us up most nights, I usually step on one or the other sleeping on the floor beside the bed every morning. Wife just told me there's already one there now for me to move.
But who needs sleep anyway?
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21/7/2008, 1:53
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