Will Richardson
Cowtalk Staff
Global user
Registered: 06-2003
Location: Close to a pub
Posts: 1257
Karma: 14 (+14/-0)
|
 | 
|
|
Re: Irish Jokes
Why did the Irish get all the potatoes and the Arabs get all the oil ?
Irish got first choice.
|
|
3/2/2006, 0:34
|
|
broa
EX97
Isangoma
Global user
Registered: 12-2003
Location: Martebo
Posts: 2216
Karma: 50 (+51/-1)
|
|
|
|
|
Re: Irish Jokes
An Irish man is sitting in a pub one night when 3 Englishmen walks in. The men sit down, and start to talk about how they can anger the Irishman... The first man says, "Watch this..." He get up, walks over to the Irishman, and says, "oi, I hear your St. Patrick was a pillow biter." The Irishman just replies, "Oh, is that so now?" The Englishman, goes back to his seat perplexed, when his friend jumps up and says, "Here, let me try." So he goes over to the Irishman and says, "oi, I hear your St. Patrick was playing the pink oboe!" The Irishman only replies, "Oh, is that so now?" So the Englishman, frustrated goes and sits down with his friends. When the 3rd Englishman jumps up and says, "Well, now, I'll give it a try!" So he walks over to the Irishman and says, "oi, I hear your St. Patrick was an ENGLISHMAN!"
And the Irishman replies, "Aye, that's what your friends were saying."
Last edited by broa, 7/3/2006, 19:29
---
Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so.
Douglas Adams
|
|
7/3/2006, 19:27
|
|
broa
EX97
Isangoma
Global user
Registered: 12-2003
Location: Martebo
Posts: 2216
Karma: 50 (+51/-1)
|
|
|
|
|
Re: Irish Jokes
A secret agent was sent to Ireland to pick up some very sensitive
information from an agent called Murphy. His instructions were to walk
around town using a code phrase until he met his fellow agent. He found
himself on a desolate country road and finally ran into a farmer.
"Hello, said the agent, "I'm looking for a man called Murphy."
"Well you're in luck," said the farmer, "as it happens, there's a village
right over the hill, where there's a butcher called Murphy, the baker is
named Murphy, three widows are called Murphy. In fact my name is Murphy."
Aha, thought the agent, here's my man. So he whispered the secret code.
"The sun is shining.....the grass is growing.....the cows are ready for
milking."
"Oh" said the farmer, "your'e looking for Murphy the spy - he's in the
village over the other direction."
---
Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so.
Douglas Adams
|
|
9/3/2006, 21:12
|
|
broa
EX97
Isangoma
Global user
Registered: 12-2003
Location: Martebo
Posts: 2216
Karma: 50 (+51/-1)
|
|
|
|
|
Re: Irish Jokes
The employees at the factory where Paddy worked soon discovered that every Tuesday afternoon the boss would always leave work early, not to return that day. So they all decided that if they all left early after him, they could have the rest of the day off, and the boss would be none the wiser.
So, the next Tuesday afternoon, after the boss had left, all of the employees went home. But when Paddy got home, he saw through his front window his boss making passionate love to his wife.
The following Tuesday, when everyone else was leaving the factory, Paddy kept right on working.
One of his workmates came up to him: "Hey, Paddy, aren't you going home? The boss has already left for the day".
Says Paddy, "No way! Last week I almost got caught".
A drunk Irishman staggers into Church, and goes into the confessional.
The priest says "Can I help you, my son?"
The drunk says "I dunno. Have you got any paper on your side?"
"Help! Help!" cried the young woman as she staggered up the steps of the police station. "An Irishman molested me!"
"How'd you know he was Irish?" inquired the Sergeant at the desk.
"I had to help him" she gasped.
---
Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so.
Douglas Adams
|
|
15/3/2006, 12:37
|
|
foxleigh
Ex97
True blue dinky-di maverick
Global user
Registered: 06-2003
Location: southern,oz
Posts: 1895
Karma: 18 (+18/-0)
|
|
|
|
|
…
an american, an australian and an irishman wanted to get into the games but couldnt afford the tickets.
So the ameican picked up a stick and went to the gate and said smith, american,polevault and got let in.
the australian seeing this found a flat rock went to the gate and said brown,australia,discus and got let in.
So the irish man found a piece of barb wire wet up to the gate and said murphy,ireland,fencing!
|
|
15/3/2006, 21:43
|
|
maddal
VG85
Global user
Registered: 01-2006
Posts: 53
Karma: 2 (+2/-0)
|
|
|
|
|
…
Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.
|
|
24/3/2006, 16:32
|
|
James Johnston
EX92
Global user
Registered: 01-2006
Location: Glasgow
Posts: 289
Karma: 4 (+4/-0)
|
|
|
|
|
Re: Irish Jokes
quote:
broa wrote:
An Irish man is sitting in a pub one night when 3 Englishmen walks in. The men sit down, and start to talk about how they can anger the Irishman... The first man says, "Watch this..." He get up, walks over to the Irishman, and says, "oi, I hear your St. Patrick was a pillow biter." The Irishman just replies, "Oh, is that so now?" The Englishman, goes back to his seat perplexed, when his friend jumps up and says, "Here, let me try." So he goes over to the Irishman and says, "oi, I hear your St. Patrick was playing the pink oboe!" The Irishman only replies, "Oh, is that so now?" So the Englishman, frustrated goes and sits down with his friends. When the 3rd Englishman jumps up and says, "Well, now, I'll give it a try!" So he walks over to the Irishman and says, "oi, I hear your St. Patrick was an ENGLISHMAN!"
And the Irishman replies, "Aye, that's what your friends were saying."
Alan, think the joke is on the English on this one!!! 
---
I dont want index, I dont want type, I want both!!!
|
|
25/3/2006, 10:52
|
|
Bullpen
Ex97
closet Syrup lover
Global user
Registered: 05-2004
Location: Shropshire / Welsh border
Posts: 1184
Karma: 108 (+108/-0)
|
|
|
|
|
Re: Irish Jokes
Paddy and murphy were due to catch the train to London to make a deposit in the Sperm bank.
Neither of them made it:-
Paddy came on the bus and Murphy missed the tube!
|
|
23/4/2006, 20:24
|
|
Ardbarron
VG87
Global user
Registered: 09-2006
Posts: 105
Karma: 0 (+0/-0)
|
|
|
|
|
…
Paddy was driving home pis*ed as a newt, suddenly he had to swerve to avoid a tree, then another and another. A cop car pulls him over as he swerves all over the road, Paddy tells the cop all about the trees in the road. The cop says for f**k sake Paddy thats your air freshner!
Last edited by Ardbarron, 2/1/2007, 23:28
|
|
2/1/2007, 23:26
|
|
Rags2Riches4cows
VG86
Global user
Registered: 05-2007
Posts: 72
Karma: 0 (+0/-0)
|
|
|
|
|
Re: …
An Irishman goes into a bar and orders a martini. He drinks it, takes out a jamjar and pops the olive into it.
He orders another and repeats the performance. He does this all night, collecting the olives as he goes.
Finally as he stands up, quite inebriated, his mate says, "Hey Mick, what was all that about then?"
Grinning Mick replies,
"Sure the wife sent me out for a jar of olives!"
They only tell irish jokes alan coz they cant laugh at themselves, sad really.
|
|
11/10/2007, 21:30
|
|
GillianBaby
N/C
Global user
Registered: 11-2007
Posts: 4
Karma: 0 (+0/-0)
|
|
|
|
|
 Re:Irish Jokes
a scottish, english and irish man climb up to he top of the rainbow
the english guy slides down the other side and say weeee and he landed in a pot of pee
the irish guy slides down and goes a a pot of silver n he lands in a pot of silver
the scottish man slide down and say a pot of gold and landed in a pot of gold 
its a crap joke soz guys lol
|
|
5/11/2007, 13:34
|
|
will maxwell
EX93
Global user
Registered: 06-2003
Location: Armagh, N.I.
Posts: 446
Karma: 4 (+4/-0)
|
|
|
|
|
Re: Irish Jokes
A farmer named Seamus had a car accident.
In court, the lorry company's fancy hot shot solicitor was questioning Seamus.
'Didn't you say, to the Garda at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?'
Asked the solicitor.
Seamus responded, 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite cow, Bessie, into the...'
'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer thequestion. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'
Seamus said, 'Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road....'
The solicitor interrupted again and said, 'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Gárda on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.'
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Seamus's answer and said to the solicitor, 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'.
Seamus thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the road when this huge lorry and trailer came through a stop sign and hit my trailer right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move.
However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Garda on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
Then the Garda came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, And said, 'How are you feeling?'
'Now what would you say?'
---
Farming is the oldest JOB in the world, too many people seem to have it confused with the oldest PROFESSION!
|
|
20/3/2008, 14:13
|
|
alan a
EX95
Global user
Registered: 06-2003
Location: Fermanagh
Posts: 741
Karma: 22 (+22/-0)
|
|
|
|
|
Re: Irish Jokes
Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrived at an Irish border checkpoint.
Paddy, the officer, stops them and tells them: 'It is illegal to put 5
people in a Quattro, Quattro means four'
'Quattro is just the name of the automobile,' the Englishman retorts
disbelievingly. 'Look at the papers, this car is designed to carry five
persons.'
'You cannot pull that one on me,' replies Paddy 'Quattro means four. You
have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law.'
The Englishmen replies angrily, 'You idiot! Call your supervisor over
I want
to speak to someone with more intelligence!'
'Sorry,' responds Paddy, 'Murphy is busy with 2 guys in a Fiat Uno.'
---
Alan Armstrong
Western Farm Enterprises
|
|
20/3/2008, 17:06
|
|
davyd
VG85
Global user
Registered: 10-2003
Posts: 68
Karma: 0 (+0/-0)
|
|
|
|
|
Re: Irish Jokes
One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon. He thought to himself, 'It's certainly not a ship.' And, as the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out the possibilities of a small boat or even a raft.
Suddenly there emerged from the surf a wet-suited black clad figure. Putting aside the scuba gear and the top of the wet suit, there stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde! The glamorous blonde strode up to the stunned Irishman and said to him 'Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?'
'Ten years,' replied the amazed Irishman. With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproofed pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit, and pulled out a fresh pack of cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, and takes a long drag. 'Faith and begorra,'said the man, 'that is so good I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!'
'And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Irish whiskey'
asked the blonde Trembling, the castaway replied, 'Ten years.' Hearing that, the blonde reaches over to her right sleeve unzips a pocket there and removes a flask and hands it to him. He opened the flask and took a long drink.
'Tis nectar of the gods!' stated the Irishman. 'Tis truly fantastic!'
At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle.. She looked at the trembling man and asked, 'And how long has it been since you played around?'
With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed: ' Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there too!'
|
|
20/3/2008, 17:53
|
|
smous
Ex97
Magwalibavu
Global user
Registered: 11-2003
Location: South Africa
Posts: 1442
Karma: 39 (+39/-0)
|
|
|
|
|
…
Paddy sitting on the pavement outside his home after being evicted from his
house, was contemplating how the future would be after his wife divorced
him, lost his children, lost his job.He notices a crate of beer bottles and walks up to it. He takes out an empty bottle, smashing it
into the concrete wall swearing, "You are the reason I don't have a wife", second bottle, "You are the reason I don't have my children", third bottle, "You are the reason I lost my job". He notices the fourth bottle is sealed and still full of beer. He takes the bottle, puts it aside and says, "Stand one side me brother, I know you were not involved".
---
WWS-SA
|
|
21/3/2008, 7:27
|
|
smous
Ex97
Magwalibavu
Global user
Registered: 11-2003
Location: South Africa
Posts: 1442
Karma: 39 (+39/-0)
|
|
|
|
|
…
Murphy calls to see his mate Paddy who has a broken leg.
Paddy says, 'Me feet are freezing mate, could you nip upstairs and get me slippers?'
'No bother,' he says, and he runs upstairs and there are Paddy's two stunning 19 year old twin daughters
sitting on their beds.
'Hello dere girls, your Da' sent me up here to shag ya both.'
'Fook off you liar!'
'I'll prove it,' Murphy says. So he shouts down the stairs, 'Both of dem,Paddy?'
'Of course, what's the use of fookin' one?'
---
WWS-SA
|
|
21/3/2008, 7:30
|
|
click here to give a full reply or use the box below for a quick reply
Powered by AkBBS 0.9.5b - Link to us
- Blogs
- Hall of Honour
- Chat
Click here to get your own free message board
|
You are not logged in (login)
Board's time is: 8/9/2008, 15:16
|
|
|
