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broa
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Location: Martebo
Posts: 2621
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Time for a laugh.
An old farmer in Kansas had owned a large farm for several years.
He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice, picnic tables,horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.
The pond was properly shaped and fixed
up for swimming when it was built.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices
shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond.
One of the women shouted to him,
"We're not coming out until you leave!"
The old man frowned,
"I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."
Holding the bucket up he said,
"I'm here to feed the alligator."
---
"Dum spiro, spero"
Cicero
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8/2/2005, 11:05
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smous
Cowtalk Staff
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Registered: 11-2003
Location: South Africa
Posts: 1905
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Re: Time for a laugh.
Hey Broa, something to cheer you up:
Thermodynamics of Hell
The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term.
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.
As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.
Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having an affair with her, then number 2 above cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is endothermic and will not freeze
over.
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A".
---
WWS-SA
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9/2/2005, 12:29
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IndiesViewGD
EX95
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Registered: 08-2003
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 659
Karma: 4 (+4/-0)
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Re: Time for a laugh.
 excellent smous
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10/2/2005, 3:46
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Big Bird
Cowtalk Staff
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Posts: 3062
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Re: Time for a laugh.
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She
was extremely beautiful and knew very little about ranching.
Determined to keep it, she placed an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.
Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.
No one else applied so she thought long and hard deciding to hire the gay
guy,
figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a
lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was
doing
very well.
Then one day, the Widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a
really good job and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and
kick up
your heels." He readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. One
o'clock came and he hadn't returned. Two o'clock and no hired hand.
He finally returned around two-thirty. Upon entering the room, he
found the Widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine waiting for
him. She quietly called him over to her.
"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he
did as she said. "Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so
slowly.
Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by
her
boots. "Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly
watching
her eyes in the fire light. "Now take off my bra."
With trembling hands he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.
Now," she said, "take off my panties." By the light of the fire, he
slowly pulled them down and off.
Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes
into town again, I'll fire you on the spot."
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16/2/2005, 21:21
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smous
Cowtalk Staff
Global user
Registered: 11-2003
Location: South Africa
Posts: 1905
Karma: 40 (+40/-0)
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Re: Time for a laugh.
RULES FOR BEDROOM GOLF
1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play, normally one club and two balls.
2. Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.
3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out of the hole.
4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check the shaft for firmness before play begins.
5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict the length of the club to avoid damage to the hole.
6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play on the course again.
7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course with special attention to the well formed bunkers.
8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played or are currently playing to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage a player's equipment for this reason.
9. Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear along, just in case.
10. Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else is playing what they consider to be a private course.
11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course is temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternate means of play when this is the case.
12. Players are advised to obtain the course owners permission before attempting to play the back nine.
13. Slow play is encouraged; however, players should be prepared to proceed at quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owner's request.
14. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.
15. The course owner will be the sole judge of who is the best player. HINT- Players are advised to think twice before considering membership at a given course. Additional assessments may be levied by the owner and the rules are subject to change. For this reason, many players prefer to continue to play several different courses.
---
WWS-SA
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18/2/2005, 17:59
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Craigalea
Ex96
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Registered: 12-2004
Posts: 945
Karma: 20 (+20/-0)
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Re: Time for a laugh.
WHAT SEX ARE THEY??
ZIPLOC BAGS - male, because they hold everything in, but you can always see right through them.
SHOE - male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out.
COPIER - female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up.
TYRE - male, because it goes bald and often is over inflated.
HOT AIR BALLOON - male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it and, of course, there's the hot air part.
SPONGES - female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain water.
SUBWAY - male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.
HOURGLASS - female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.
HAMMER - male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.
REMOTE CONTROL - female .. Ha! You thought I'd say male. But consider this:
It gives men pleasure, he'd be lost without it and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.
---
A quote from the merchandise department: "Difficult takes a while, Impossible I can do right away"
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19/2/2005, 5:17
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ToB
EX95
Global user
Registered: 04-2004
Posts: 589
Karma: 25 (+25/-0)
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Re: Time for a laugh.
Ole is a farmer in Wisconsin, He is in need of a new milk cow and hears about a nice one for sale just over the border in Minnesota. He drives to Minnesota, looks at the cow, reaches under to see if she gives milk. When he grabs the teat and pulls, the cow farts.
Ole is very surprised, looks at the farmer who is selling the cow, then reaches under the cow to try again. He grabs another teat, pulls, and the cow farts again. Milk does come out, however, so after some discussion, Ole decides to buy the cow anyway and take it home.
He calls over his neighbour, Sven, and says, "Hey Sven, come and look at dis here new cow I yust bought. Pull her teat, and see vat happens." Sven reaches under, pulls the teat, and the cow farts. Sven looks at Ole and says, "You bought dis cow in Minnesota, yah?" Ole is very surprised and says, "Yah, dats right. But how did you know?" Sven says, "My wife is from Minnesota."
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23/2/2005, 23:37
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farmerjoe
EX93
Global user
Registered: 12-2003
Location: Warwick, Qld
Posts: 420
Karma: 4 (+4/-0)
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Re: Time for a laugh.
my uncle John was doing some charity worked in ireland a few years back. He visited a hospital for the mentally ill. as he was leaving he was stopped by robert, a patient he met earlier. rob was out side with a flashlight, he pointed the torch out towards the moon, and said,
'you know john, you could climb this beam all the way to the moon'
john replied
'don't be daft rob, i can't do that, i'm not that silly. I'd climb half way up and you'd switch the light off,
---
Aunty Anna you're an absolute peach!
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10/4/2005, 3:21
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moore
EX91
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Registered: 06-2003
Posts: 242
Karma: 2 (+2/-0)
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Re: Time for a laugh.
The local vicar was asked to speak to the churches youth group on the subject of "sex in modern times".He agreed and the date and time were set, being modest he put in his diary that the talk was about sailing.
A week before the event the leader of the youthgroup phoned to make sure that the vicar hadn't forgotten but he got the vicars wife in,on explaining why he was phoning she said that she would check the diary and confirmed that everything should be ok.
"Do you think he will be happy to do the topic?" the youth leader asked,
"well i am a bit surprised " she replied"he only does it once a year and is usually sick after ten minutes."
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19/4/2005, 20:07
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littlemonty88
VG85
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Registered: 03-2005
Posts: 60
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Re: Time for a laugh.
lol
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20/4/2005, 20:30
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moore
EX91
Global user
Registered: 06-2003
Posts: 242
Karma: 2 (+2/-0)
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Re: Time for a laugh.
Woman took a very limp pet duck to the vet,after he had examined the duck the vet said "i'm sorry but Cuddles is dead".
The woman was distraugt but insisted that a second opinion should be got,the vet agreed and left the examination room returning after a few minutes with a big black Labrador dog.
The dog sniffed the duck all over and looked at the woman and the vet with big sad eyes and shook its head "oh dear" said the vet "Cuddles is dead".
Still the woman protested that she wanted a second opinion so yet again the vet left the room.This time he returned with a cat,the cat also sniffed and studied the duck only to walk slowly away.
"I'm sorry "said the vet "the duck is dead" and he presnted the woman with a bill for £250.
"Wait a minute " said the woman "this bills a bit steep". "Well"said the vet"if you had believed me initialy the bill would have been £20 but the lab report and cat scan....
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15/5/2005, 20:32
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friar
VG87
Global user
Registered: 01-2004
Posts: 107
Karma: 5 (+5/-0)
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Re: Time for a laugh.
s a young boy, Joe was obsessed with tractors. He had pictures all over
his bedroom walls, tractor toys, tractor T-shirts, tractor carpet, duvet
cover, the whole works. He ate, drank and slept tractors.
On his 17th birthday he was thrilled to get an invitation to go to a
tractor factory and test drive a brand new tractor. His excitement was
incredible as he told his family and friends.
The great day came and he went to the factory. Unfortunately, something
went wrong with the tractor and it flipped over, breaking his leg.
He was so upset he tried to sue the company for negligence. The company
would have none of it and told him there was no liability and he would get
nothing.
You can imagine he was rather fed up with tractors and shed them from his
life, completely. All the posters came down, the toys were given away!
Tractors were GONE.
Years later Joe went into a bar. The smoke was terrible and through it he
could see a beautiful girl seated at the bar. Tears were streaming down her
face, from all the smoke getting in her eyes. Joe looked around and with
one huge breath, sucked all the smoke from the room. He then walked outside
and blew it all out again. He goes back into the bar where the air is now
sweet and sits down next to the girl. "That was amazing!" she said, "how
did you do that?"
"No problem", said Joe,"I'm an ex-tractor fan".
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16/5/2005, 20:07
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Big Bird
Cowtalk Staff
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Registered: 06-2003
Posts: 3062
Karma: 33 (+33/-0)
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Directions
Directions
> >
> >1. Start at Dublin Airport.
> >
> >2. Catch flight from Dublin to London Heathrow Airport.
> >
> >3. Catch flight from London Heathrow to Dallas Fort Worth
> > Airport.
> >
> >4. Hire car at Dallas Fort Worth Airport.
> >
> >5. Start going toward the "Airport Exit" on "International
> > Parkway
> > South" - follow for 0.2 miles.
> >
> >6. Bear left onto the highway toward "Terminal East Parking"
> > - follow for 0.3 miles
> >
> >7. Bear left onto "International Parkway North" toward
> > "North Airport
> > Exit" - follow for 2.9 miles
> >
> >8. Take the "Highway 114 west" exit toward "Fort Worth" -
> > follow for 29.2 miles
> >
> >9. Then continue on "US 287 north" - follow for 91.1 miles
> >
> >10."US 287 north" becomes "Interstate-44 east" - follow for
> > 0.7 miles
> >
> >11. Take left fork onto "US-287 north" toward "Vernon" -
> > follow for 104.0 miles
> >
> >12."US 287 north" becomes "Avenue F (US-287)" - follow for
> > 2.8 miles
> >
> >13. Continue to follow "US 287 north" - follow for 104.9
> > miles
> >
> >14. Take left ramp onto "Interstate 40 west" toward "Dumas"
> > - follow for 7.8 miles
> >
> >15. Take "Exit 70" onto "US 60 east" toward "Dumas" - follow
> > for 0.5 miles
> >
> >16. Take the "Buchanan Street" exit toward "Dumas/Pampa" -
> > follow for 1.7 miles
> >
> >17. Turn right onto "Old Route 66 (Interstate 40)" - follow
> > for 0.1 miles
> >18. Arrive at the centre of "Amarillo, Texas"
> >
> >
> >Now that's the way to bloody Amarillo!!!!!!!!
> >
> >SO CAN EVERYONE STOP bloody SINGING IT NOW . . .!
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18/5/2005, 10:29
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littlemonty88
VG85
Global user
Registered: 03-2005
Posts: 60
Karma: 1 (+1/-0)
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Re: Time for a laugh.
nice 1, yep they may be happier but women live longer. heres the proof.
Why Women Live Longer Than Men
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27/5/2005, 17:17
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Big Bird
Cowtalk Staff
Global user
Registered: 06-2003
Posts: 3062
Karma: 33 (+33/-0)
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Re: Time for a laugh.
Like that, Monty.
Have a karma point.
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27/5/2005, 17:30
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foxleigh
Ex97
True blue dinky-di maverick
Global user
Registered: 06-2003
Location: southern,oz
Posts: 2196
Karma: 21 (+21/-0)
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Re: Time for a laugh.
ha they didnt see how our calf shed is going up!
picture an old fergy with a front endloader and a roll of hay on its end and a stack of rooving iron on that going up 14ft to a guy standing on top of a truck that has 2 high roundbales stacked on it level with the trusses of the shed roof1
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28/5/2005, 7:11
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broa
Cowtalk Staff
Global user
Registered: 12-2003
Location: Martebo
Posts: 2621
Karma: 53 (+54/-1)
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Re: Time for a laugh.
One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in the tiny town of Johnstown got up early and went to the local church. Before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking about their lives, their families, etc. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the exit, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from this evil incarnate. Soon everyone was evacuated from the Church, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?" The man replied "Yep, sure do." Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?" "Nope, sure ain't," said the man. Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, "Why aren't you afraid of me?" The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 48 years..."
---
"Dum spiro, spero"
Cicero
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31/5/2005, 18:43
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Craigalea
Ex96
Global user
Registered: 12-2004
Posts: 945
Karma: 20 (+20/-0)
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Re: Time for a laugh.
Why Condoms Come in Boxes of 3, 6, and 12
A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son.
They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?"
To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called
condoms, son...
Men use them to have safe sex." "Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."
He looks over the display and picks up a
package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?"
The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."
"Cool" says the boy.
He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?"
"Those are for college men," the dad answers, TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."
"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack.
With a sigh, the dad replied, "Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March......."
---
A quote from the merchandise department: "Difficult takes a while, Impossible I can do right away"
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2/6/2005, 10:39
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