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Eldridge
VG85
Global user
Registered: 05-2004
Posts: 54
Karma: 0 (+0/-0)
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Re: Time for a laugh.
There has been a medical breakthrough within the blood transfusion service,they are going to use Chickens Blood it makes the men more C-c-y & the women easier to Lay.  
Last edited by Eldridge, 4/6/2005, 18:52
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3/6/2005, 19:53
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Craigalea
Ex96
Global user
Registered: 12-2004
Posts: 945
Karma: 20 (+20/-0)
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Re: Time for a laugh.
MURPHY'S OTHER LAWS
1. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
2. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
3. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
4. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
5. Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?
6. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
7. When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
8. Seen it all, done it all. Can't remember most of it.
9. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
10. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
11. He's not dead. He's electroencephalographically challenged.
12. She's always late. In fact, her ancestors arrived on the "June flower."
13. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted and used against you.
14. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
15. Honk if you love peace and quiet.
16. Pardon my driving, I'm reloading.
17. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
18. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
19. It is hard to understand how a cemetery can raise its burial costsand blame it on the higher cost of living.
20. Just remember . if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
21. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
22. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.
23. You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
24. Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world population.
25. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
26. The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.
27. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.
28. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
29. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture.
30. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
31. It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
32. Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
33. I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.
34. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
35. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
36. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
---
A quote from the merchandise department: "Difficult takes a while, Impossible I can do right away"
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6/6/2005, 11:39
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Will Richardson
Cowtalk Staff
Global user
Registered: 06-2003
Location: Close to a pub
Posts: 1350
Karma: 14 (+14/-0)
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Re: Time for a laugh.
Scotsman dies and arrives at pearly gates.
"Who is it ? " says God.
"Hamish McTavish " replies the wee voice.
"Sod off " replies God . "We dont do porrige for 1."
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6/6/2005, 11:48
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littlemonty88
VG85
Global user
Registered: 03-2005
Posts: 60
Karma: 1 (+1/-0)
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Re: Time for a laugh.
 hmmmm this may be really stupid  of me but i soooo don't get that last 1 can some one please explain!!!???? 
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8/6/2005, 20:22
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littlemonty88
VG85
Global user
Registered: 03-2005
Posts: 60
Karma: 1 (+1/-0)
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Re: Time for a laugh.
 Do scotish people eat porridge??????? 
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9/6/2005, 20:28
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David Green
GP84
Local user
Registered: 06-2003
Posts: 45
Karma: 0 (+0/-0)
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Re: Time for a laugh.
Ever noticed how when you are quietly minding your own business women have to ask "What are you thinking?"
I believe the best answer to be "if I wanted you to know what I was thinking I'd be talking to you."
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15/6/2005, 12:53
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David Green
GP84
Local user
Registered: 06-2003
Posts: 45
Karma: 0 (+0/-0)
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Re: Time for a laugh.
How about "just wondering what I'd do with the insurance money if you died." ?
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15/6/2005, 17:33
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FiringOnAllFour
Ex97
Cyborg
Global user
Registered: 01-2004
Location: Northern Ireland
Posts: 1839
Karma: 41 (+41/-0)
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Re: Time for a laugh.
How about, 'Just trying to visualise what you used to look like'.
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16/6/2005, 8:46
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FiringOnAllFour
Ex97
Cyborg
Global user
Registered: 01-2004
Location: Northern Ireland
Posts: 1839
Karma: 41 (+41/-0)
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Re: Time for a laugh.
 
Yea. Very exciting. Occasionally it backfires. I like a girl that can take a joke.
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16/6/2005, 13:36
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littlemonty88
VG85
Global user
Registered: 03-2005
Posts: 60
Karma: 1 (+1/-0)
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Re: Time for a laugh.
well else where its PORRIDGE.
o but look what i just found
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18/6/2005, 16:14
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littlemonty88
VG85
Global user
Registered: 03-2005
Posts: 60
Karma: 1 (+1/-0)
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Re: Time for a laugh.
sorry brian i couldn't help myself! 
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19/6/2005, 13:24
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broa
Cowtalk Staff
Global user
Registered: 12-2003
Location: Martebo
Posts: 2621
Karma: 53 (+54/-1)
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Re: Time for a laugh.
An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that evolution had created.
"What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!", he said to himself. As he was walking along the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. When he turned to see what the casue was, he saw a 7-foot grizzly charging right towards him. He ran as fast as he could. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing, He ran even faster, crying in fear. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. His heart was pounding and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up, but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.
At that moment, the Atheist cried out "Oh my God!...." Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. Even the river stopped moving.
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky, "You deny my existence for all of these years; teach others I don''t exist; and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"
The atheist looked directly into the light "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as Christian now, but perhaps could you make the bear a Christian?" "Very well," said the voice.
The light went out. The river ran again. And the sounds of the forest resumed.
And then the bear dropped his right paw ..... brought both paws together...bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful."
---
"Dum spiro, spero"
Cicero
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18/7/2005, 13:51
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Big Bird
Cowtalk Staff
Global user
Registered: 06-2003
Posts: 3062
Karma: 33 (+33/-0)
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Re: Time for a laugh.
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18/7/2005, 14:18
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imont
GP84
Global user
Registered: 06-2003
Posts: 40
Karma: 1 (+1/-0)
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Re: Time for a laugh.
The Ferrari F1 Team fired their entire pit-crew yesterday.
The announcement was followed by Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the English Government's "Work For the Dole" scheme and hire unemployed youths from Liverpool.
The decision to hire them was brought on by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths in Liverpool were able to remove a set of car wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing crew can only do it in 8 seconds.
This was thought to be an excellent yet bold move by Ferrari Management, as most races are won & lost in the pits, Ferrari would have an advantage over every team.
However Ferrari expectations were easily exceeded, as during the Crews first practice session; not only were "da boyz from Bootle" able to change the tyres in under 6 seconds but within 12 seconds they had resprayed, rebadged, and had sold the vehicle over to the McLaren Team for four dozen Stella's and a gram of Charlie!!
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18/7/2005, 14:58
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Eldridge
VG85
Global user
Registered: 05-2004
Posts: 54
Karma: 0 (+0/-0)
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…
A bloke sent some flowers to a friend, who was re- locating her business, the card with the flowers read Rest in Peace, the bloke who sent them rang the florist to complain, the florist replied rather than getting annoyed, just imagine there is someone being buried today and the card reads:- Welcome To Your New Location
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18/7/2005, 15:25
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