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Sam Ashwood
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Registered: 04-2005
Posts: 117
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Re: Clean JOKES
ha ha,
too funny Green.
lol
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5/28/2009, 8:29 pm
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ToadKiller
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Re: Clean JOKES
Only a Texan could think of this.
From the County where drunk driving is considered a sport, comes this true story. Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in Bandera, Texas. After last call the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car which he fell into. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine, dry summer night) -- -- flicked the blinkers on, then off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little, and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patron vehicles left. At last, the parking lot empty, he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the road.
The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, and promptly pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyzer test. To his amazement the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken." "I doubt it," said the truly proud Texan, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."
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6/1/2009, 3:05 pm
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Pyxis
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Re: Clean JOKES
lol,
good to see you Toad, been a while.
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6/1/2009, 4:53 pm
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MSN
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Greentongue
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Re: Clean JOKES
Yes, Great to see ya Toad.
=
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6/1/2009, 7:03 pm
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Greentongue
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Re: Clean JOKES
Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several members did not approve of her extra curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.
She made a mistake, however, when she accused Frank, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon.
She emphatically told Frank (and several others) that every one seeing it there WOULD KNOW WHAT HE WAS DOING!
Frank, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny.
He said nothing..
Later that evening, Frank quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house ...walked home. .and left it there all night.
=
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6/9/2009, 8:02 pm
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Sam Ashwood
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Re: Clean JOKES
ha ha
very funny Green.
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6/12/2009, 10:00 pm
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Sam Ashwood
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Re: Clean JOKES
here's and oldy and i don't know if it applies anymore but here it is:
the other night i went to a fight...
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and a Hockey game broke out.
p.s. and now a moment of silence for Pyx. the RedWings lost the Cup.
meow
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6/12/2009, 10:03 pm
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Greentongue
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Re: Clean JOKES
Here is the Washington Post's Mensa Invitational which once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.
Here are the winners:
1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
2. Ignoranus : A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
3. Intaxicaton : Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
4. Reintarnation : Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
5. Bozone ( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
6. Foreploy : Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
7. Giraffiti : Vandalism spray-painted very, very high
8. Sarchasm : The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
9. Inoculatte : To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
10. Osteopornosis : A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
11. Karmageddon : It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
12. Decafalon (n.): The gruelling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
13. Glibido : All talk and no action.
14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
16. Beelzebug (n.) : Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
17. Caterpallor ( n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in
the fruit you're eating.
===
The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.
And the winners are:
1. Coffee , n. The person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted , adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has
gained.
3. Abdicate , v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4 Esplanade , v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly , adj. Impotent.
6. Negligent , adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.
7. Lymph , v. To walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle , n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence , n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash , n. A rapidly receding hairline..
11. Testicle , n. A humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude , n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon , n.. A Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster , n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.. .
15. Frisbeetarianism , n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies
up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent , n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by
Jewish men
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6/13/2009, 8:42 am
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Keegen
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Re: Clean JOKES
Haven't read this thread in a while, funny stuff! Had to post Toads story to my Facebook page for my family members in Texas to see.
--- Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.
That way, when you criticize them you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
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6/14/2009, 1:04 pm
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