Rachel TheClarinetist
I'm NOT a penguin!
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Registered: 12-2004
Location: Uncanny Valley
Posts: 3142
Karma: 24 (+25/-1)
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Some more jokes
Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese.
There are five people in my family, so it must be one of them.
It's either my mum or my dad.
Or my older brother Colin.
Or my younger brother Ho Cha Chu.
But I think it's Colin.
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remember my first skydiving instructor. During class he would take time to answer any of our stupid first-timer questions. one guy asked: "If our chute doesn't open... and the reserve doesn't open, how long do we have 'til we hit the ground?"
Our jump master looked at him and in perfect deadpan answered: "The rest of your life."
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Feeling a little stressed? I'm passing this on because it definitely worked for me and we all could use more calm in our lives. By following the simple advice I heard on a Dr. Phil show, I have finally found inner peace.
Dr. Phil proclaimed, "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you've started."
So I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished.
So, before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey's, a bottle of Kahlua, a package of Oreo's, the remainder of both Prozac and Valium prescriptions, the rest of the cheesecake, a bag of
potato chips, some saltines and a box of chocolates.
You have no idea how freaking good I feel!!!
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Fresh from her shower, a woman stands in front of the mirror,
complaining to her husband that her breasts are too small. Instead of his standard response of reassuring her that her breasts are fine, her husband uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.
'If you want your breasts to grow, then take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds every day.'
Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper,
and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts.
'How long will this take?' she asks.
'They'll grow larger over a period of years,' he replies.
The wife stops. 'Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper
between my breasts every day will make my breasts grow over the years?'
He shrugged and said, 'Worked for your bum, didn't it?'
He lived, and with extensive therapy, may even walk again.
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12/27/2004, 5:45 pm
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joelb1
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Re: Some more jokes
classic. they yours? i haven't heard them before
---
"Please don't be afraid when the darkness fades away,
The dawn will break the silence screaming at our hearts"
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1/8/2005, 5:59 pm
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Grinch
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Re: Some more jokes
please don't smite me for saying it, but those are pretty bad!
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1/9/2005, 9:43 am
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bratsche
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Re: Some more jokes
A blonde musician is running late on the way to a gig, so she's going quite a bit faster than the speed limit. Sure enough, a police car pops out from a side street, flashes the blue lights, and stops her.
A blonde cop gets out, comes to the window, and says, "May I see your license, ma'am?"
The blonde musician goes through her purse, and, after a long time searching in frustration, has almost its entire contents strewn out on the seat beside her. Finally, she turns to the cop and asks, "I'm sorry - what, exactly, does one look like?"
"It's a little rectangular flat thing with your picture on it," explains the blonde cop.
"Ahhh!" exclaims the woman, and unzips a small compartment on the side of the purse, from which she triumphantly pulls a small, rectangular mirror. She hands it to the cop.
The blonde cop examines it, and says, "Oh, I'm so very sorry to trouble you - I didn't realize you were a police officer! You may go!"
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1/9/2005, 1:26 pm
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Rachel TheClarinetist
I'm NOT a penguin!
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Registered: 12-2004
Location: Uncanny Valley
Posts: 3142
Karma: 24 (+25/-1)
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Re: Some more jokes
Grinch, if you don't like them, you are welcome to try and do better.
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1/9/2005, 2:51 pm
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musical lottie
Lightbulb BananaFish
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Registered: 06-2005
Location: England
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Re: Some more jokes
Lol good ones!
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The difference between an amateur and a professional: the amateur practises until it's right; the professional practises until it never goes wrong.
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9/3/2005, 7:21 am
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