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Rachel TheClarinetist
I'm NOT a penguin!
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Location: Uncanny Valley
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If things get much worse this is going to end up being my suicide note.
Today, I am losing the power of speech. Perhaps it would be best for me to lose it altogether. If that happened, I would no longer be able to speak to people and create the misunderstandings that drive them all away. People would not approach me, but they would also not desert me. Perhaps silence is the answer. Perhaps I should silence myself forever. If I did that, everyone would be free of the burden of my presence. Noone would be bothered by me or have to worry about me again. I would no longer sap peoples resources and never be able to give enough in return.
Something in me began to crack in my early adolescence when I began to realise how much I didn't fit it; how difficult the world was for me. It broke even further recently when I realised that I was capable of failing spectacularly at what I was meant to be best at. Today, with the final realisation that there will never be a place for me in the world, it has crumbled to dust and drifted away to become food for the ****roaches.
Once, I was proud of my difference. It has, however, dawned on me slowly that I am not merely different but abhorrent. So much so that I cannot fit in even with those people who do not fit into the world. I am a stain to be wiped away. I create false notes in the world that only my annihilation can sweeten. I am nothing, worthless, a burden, a liability. Not a real person.
Not a real person. Real people do not struggle as I do. You'd think, would you not, that my intellect would be enough to overcome my lack of social and organisational skills? It seems not. I watch people and try to do as they do, but the wall of distance between real people and I remains fixed. Real people can connect with people. Real people do not have a gifted brain and social skills that a retarded ten-year-old would be ashamed of. Real people do not have a constant worry that the sky will fall on their head because they can't plan their own week successfully. Real people know that they belong in the world. They don't feel like strangers on their own planet.
People will try to save me. I am beyond repair, yet they will still try. I am sinking further and further. My ability to plan my daily activities is deteriorating. When in company, I struggle more and more to find things to say. It doesn't really matter, though, because in groups of people I become persona non grata. I am not noticed, and I often wonder if I am invisible. The voice in my head has recently evolved into being experienced as an outside agent. I am plagued by thoughts of demons after me and all the hatred of humanity being directed at me. Lights flash before my eyes, and I hear screams right at the edge of hearing. I am falling to pieces. Yet you will still try to save me. Despite the rottenness deep within the human soul, most people are good enough that they will not stand back and let a person self-destruct.
What you must realise, however, is that there are some people who cannot be saved. Who were doomed from the outset. Who realise this, and do not wish to be saved. There are people who struggle with the world, but who eventually find their place within it. Then there are those who, no matter how much help they are given, will stumble and fall time and time again, becoming more bruised and more broken with every day. These people were never meant to be in the world, and it is an act of unbearable cruelty to try to keep them here.
--- I was shattered
I put myself back together
And the cracks sparkle
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9/28/2006, 1:03 pm
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musical lottie
Lightbulb BananaFish
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Location: England
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Re: If things get much worse this is going to end up being my suicide note.
Have you seen your doctor / psychaiatrist recently? Not to sound nasty or anything - I don't mean it like that. I'm just wondering, because if you haven't, I think it may be an idea to tell them this. If need be, print out what you've just told us in order to show them.
---
The difference between an amateur and a professional: the amateur practises until it's right; the professional practises until it never goes wrong.
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10/2/2006, 10:20 am
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oboekosh
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Re: If things get much worse this is going to end up being my suicide note.
I agree very strongly.
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10/3/2006, 12:07 pm
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Rachel TheClarinetist
I'm NOT a penguin!
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Registered: 12-2004
Location: Uncanny Valley
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Re: If things get much worse this is going to end up being my suicide note.
I'm seeing him next on the 11th of this month. I have printed this out to show him.
--- I was shattered
I put myself back together
And the cracks sparkle
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10/3/2006, 8:50 pm
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Rachel TheClarinetist
I'm NOT a penguin!
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Registered: 12-2004
Location: Uncanny Valley
Posts: 3141
Karma: 24 (+25/-1)
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Re: If things get much worse this is going to end up being my suicide note.
I'm going to be chroming tonight. I need something and getting high leaves no visible marks.
I know how dangerous it is. I don't care. I WANT to die.
Still not numb enough... I can still feel.
--- I was shattered
I put myself back together
And the cracks sparkle
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10/4/2006, 12:23 am
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Rachel TheClarinetist
I'm NOT a penguin!
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Registered: 12-2004
Location: Uncanny Valley
Posts: 3141
Karma: 24 (+25/-1)
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Re: If things get much worse this is going to end up being my suicide note.
Now, why did I stop chroming in the first place?
Because I finally realised that it made me feel like **** the next morning.
I. Am. An. Idiot.
--- I was shattered
I put myself back together
And the cracks sparkle
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10/4/2006, 9:08 am
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Rachel TheClarinetist
I'm NOT a penguin!
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Registered: 12-2004
Location: Uncanny Valley
Posts: 3141
Karma: 24 (+25/-1)
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Re: If things get much worse this is going to end up being my suicide note.
And despite the fact that I know what it does to me, I'm craving it again.
Yeah, I really need a substance abuse problem again on top of everything else...
--- I was shattered
I put myself back together
And the cracks sparkle
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10/4/2006, 9:14 am
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musical lottie
Lightbulb BananaFish
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Re: If things get much worse this is going to end up being my suicide note.
What's chroming?
---
The difference between an amateur and a professional: the amateur practises until it's right; the professional practises until it never goes wrong.
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10/6/2006, 11:06 am
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oboekosh
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Re: If things get much worse this is going to end up being my suicide note.
It's when you inhale household chemicals to intoxicate yourself. It's quite dangerous as it can cause permanent brain damage.
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10/6/2006, 12:33 pm
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Rachel TheClarinetist
I'm NOT a penguin!
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Registered: 12-2004
Location: Uncanny Valley
Posts: 3141
Karma: 24 (+25/-1)
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Re: If things get much worse this is going to end up being my suicide note.
And instant death.
--- Perfection is NOT an unreasonable goal!
(Today: STILL human, all-too-human...)
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10/7/2006, 8:05 pm
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