Rachel TheClarinetist
I'm NOT a penguin!
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Registered: 12-2004
Location: Uncanny Valley
Posts: 3142
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Suicidal impulses
Note: This is NOT how I feel today. I am tired, but in a fairly good mood. This is a memory.
As I walk from the building, I notice how blue the sky is, how warm the sun. An idyllic day. It has been a perfect day. I have even seen and spoken to some of my friends, a rare thing for me in these isolated times; the time of the aloneness of my soul.
I walk into the train station and sit down. I have no book to read, no music to write, so I begin pacing around the platform.
I cannot pace forever; my feet are not immortal, so I sit and stare at the tracks. They beckon to me, full of promises of joy and pain, death and happiness. Transfixed, mesmerised, I try to remind myself that this has been a good day, a perfect day, that I am happy.
That will change, says the voice in my head. By tomorrow, you will be tortured once more. One day the demons will overtake your mind, and there will be no more joy. The empire of your pathetic little happiness will fall, and your universe will collapse. You will beg for death, for sleep, for release.
More and more promises of horror and sorrow.
Just one little step. So easy.
Yes, agrees the voice. Just one little step.
If only it were outside my head! If it were, I could pretend that it was an external force.
But it is silent, heard only inside my head. A part of me that wants to kill me. A part of me that is determined that I shall die.
Just one little step....
--- Breathing is important! If you don't breathe, your sound will deteriorate, your phrasing will suffer, and you will die.
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12/24/2005, 1:13 pm
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dec10th2005
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Registered: 12-2005
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Re: Suicidal impulses
Remember,
In times of such (we all feel it you know). There is always someone thinging about you. It's true. Best thing, I've learnt up to now (recently), do all you cant o think light. Deep thinking leads to such things. Breaking into the deepness of your mind is most devastating. Best to avoid it.
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12/30/2005, 12:26 am
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musical lottie
Lightbulb BananaFish
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Registered: 06-2005
Location: England
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Re: Suicidal impulses
I have found exactly the same re thinking. Thing is, I like deep thinking - it's the only time I get chance to properly work out how I feel.
---
The difference between an amateur and a professional: the amateur practises until it's right; the professional practises until it never goes wrong.
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12/30/2005, 8:50 am
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oboekosh
Cucumber
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Registered: 06-2005
Location: In my igloo
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Re: Suicidal impulses
I prefer to remain blissfully ignorant of my own feelings. I am much to complicated to bother with 
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12/30/2005, 2:31 pm
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