Rachel TheClarinetist
I'm NOT a penguin!
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Why do I like the Conservatorium so much?
As anyone who I have been open with knows, I was utterly shattered when I did not get through from the Conservatorium's Preparatory Program to its Bachelor of Music three years ago. Nothing that I have experienced hurt me more than this. Devastated beyond belief, I moved through life in a haze of tears; through a forest of despair and despondency, seeing no reason for my continued existence; barely able to get out of bed.
The first reason for this pain was the perceived destruction of my dream of being a professional clarinetist. Nothing hurts worse than the splinters and shards of a broken dream; a dream that I am still trying to rebuild today.
The second reason was that in not being accepted back to the Conservatorium, I had not only lost the events and routines that my world was structured around, but I had effectively been banned from the first place in the world where I had even the slightest feeling of fitting in.
I remember, at the age of 17, being delighted because of a light-hearted private joke between an acquaintance and myself. He probably thought nothing of it: even children find these flippant interactions easy: but to me it was a huge achievement.
Imagine: a lifetime of not knowing what to say to anyone, of not being able to converse until all the words in your head are lined up properly, of wondering how the endless flow of meaningless words comes so easily to everyone else, words that hold no significance yet carry within them the seeds, flowers and fruit of friendships and love. Imagine: being a stranger in the world.
Have you ever been the only stranger amongst a group of intimate friends? If you have, you will be familiar with the feeling of being an intruder, with their unconscious, unwitting exclusion of you. Of course, they would never deliberately push you away- well, some would, but the group as a whole would not want to be so cruel- but the fact remains that you are an outsider, a stranger, misplaced. You do not belong with them, you will never fully belong with them. Any sense of belonging will be nothing but illusion.
Now imagine having that feeling extended to the entire world.
Imagine that you had finally found a place where you did not feel like a stranger, a misfit, and that after you had been there for the space of a breath that place had been taken from you. Imagine. Think. Feel.
Then go and experience it, and see if you can still manage to stand upright under the onslaught of pain.
The Conservatorium is my reason for getting out of bed in the morning.
--- Breathing is important! If you don't breathe, your sound will deteriorate, your phrasing will suffer, and you will die.
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12/24/2005, 1:15 pm
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musical lottie
Lightbulb BananaFish
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Re: Why do I like the Conservatorium so much?
Ouchie. That's painful.
Re being a stranger - I have to say I tend to fit in OK on a more superficial level with my friends, but I know exactly what you mean re being an outsider. On a personal note, I have been told there is one person who doesn't think I'm weird at all, but I'm not particularly well-acquainted with him. Everyone else I've met IRL thinks I'm weird. So I can imagine how you feel. And fitting in on online forums just isn't the same - do you feel you fit in on WronagPlanet?
---
The difference between an amateur and a professional: the amateur practises until it's right; the professional practises until it never goes wrong.
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12/25/2005, 1:02 am
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oboekosh
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Re: Why do I like the Conservatorium so much?
I must say that I understand what you mean completely. In grade 7, I felt like a complete outsider. My one best friend had switched schools, and I rarely saw him anymore. In grade 8, I decicided (on a whim) to join play, and that was the first time I've ever felt like I fit in anywhere. Everyone is a wierdo social outcast like me. At the end of the play, I was depressed for days becuase the production had completely taken control of my life. That is why I go to every play rehearsal hours early.
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12/28/2005, 3:05 pm
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dec10th2005
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Re: Why do I like the Conservatorium so much?
Life to me - Love?Passion/Experience,
You could have just one thing in life and that would all that you would ever need. I'm glad you have happiness in such a thing. Many people would see it as uni and study, glad you enjoy it through and through 
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12/30/2005, 12:28 am
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