Rachel TheClarinetist
I'm NOT a penguin!
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Registered: 12-2004
Location: Uncanny Valley
Posts: 3141
Karma: 24 (+25/-1)
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Alone, lost in darkness...
(Disclaimer for any young composers (you know who you are, Ray) who may be worried by this- I AM FINE. STOP WORRYING SO MUCH ABOUT ME.)
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Although I have stopped cutting (for now) because all the pleasure had gone out of it and I'd hurt myself enough, the thought of it still fills my mind.
My discarded knives and blades call out to me, singing their siren song, reminding me of the release they provide. Whispering, Do you not remember how beautiful the blood looked flowing over your skin? Thick, dark red, pouring over creamy golden olive-brown. A deep, dark beauty, born of all the pain and rage and terror of my soul.
Pain- the only thing that could bring relief; that gave solace; that made me forget that I am tied to the earth, trapped inside my head with myself. Alone, lost in the dark with no company but my own fears and insecurities and self-loathing.
I am struggling to hold onto my soul in the face of a world that does everything possible to destroy it. No matter how desperately I try to preserve it, a piece of it is eaten away every day. I am tired, I wish that the world was an easier place to live in. Sometimes I think that it would be easier to just give in and embrace the jaded cynicism of the world. To become one of the empty faces that fill the streets. To stop caring, to no longer have my heart ripped out all the time. To sell my soul to the Devil. The pain and the blood banish this never-ending struggle to the back of my mind.
Even if I hurt myself so badly that I bleed to death, does it matter? The handful of people who I matter to could very well survive without me. There is much joy to be found in life, in music, in knowledge, in beauty, but are these things worth all the pain life throws at me?
I crave the searing pain and beautiful crimson blood. I thirst after the release it once provided. I want it with every fibre of my being, knowing full well that it stopped working some time ago, that it is now a compulsion, not a pleasure. Knowing that the sight of the blood against my skin now leaves me with tears running down my face, leaves me with the knowledge that I will always be alone in the world, that even if I am surrounded by friends, I will still be alone, apart, separate. With tears pouring from my eyes, wondering where my mind went wrong, when I lost a vital part of my being, when the seeds of my destruction were sown.
As always, I stand poised exactly half-way between the darkness and the light. Tonight, however, the pull of the darkness is very strong.
--- Breathing is important! If you don't breathe, your sound will deteriorate, your phrasing will suffer, and you will die.
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1/21/2006, 1:54 pm
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Rachel TheClarinetist
I'm NOT a penguin!
Global user
Registered: 12-2004
Location: Uncanny Valley
Posts: 3141
Karma: 24 (+25/-1)
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Reply | Quote
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Re: Alone, lost in darkness...
Why do I want to cut?
Because I need a pressure valve.
Because the people talking about me in the emergency room said that I was a freak, and I thought I'd put all that behind me.
Because I still can't see a clear purpose for my life.
Because the staff in the emergency room were very nice to me, and for some reason that disturbs me.
Because my mind calls forth endless terrors every night.
Because I don't like this constant uncertainty.
Because everyone else has much more faith in me than I have in myself.
Because I don't like myself.
Because I am afraid of not living up to my capabilities.
Because I like the sight of the blood.
Because it's fun.
--- Breathing is important! If you don't breathe, your sound will deteriorate, your phrasing will suffer, and you will die.
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1/21/2006, 1:56 pm
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