Rachel TheClarinetist
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Empathy
Empathy is a strange thing. The general view of it is that it is necessary for social interaction. I wouldn't know. I am not very good at social interaction. I am ok one-on-one and in structured situations, but in groups I am lost, and as for approaching people to be friends- forget it. I don't know how. I know that the best way to do it is to just say hello then try and find common ground, but that is much easier said than done. As for small talk... impossible. I can talk about just about any topic, but how do you talk about nothing? Why does everyone do it so easily.
Back to the topic on hand: empathy. What is it?
One definition says that it is the ability to perceive the emotions of others. Most people think that they're a lot better at this than they actually are. I can't count the number of times people have presumed I was unhappy simply because I wasn't smiling. Because they had been taught that happy people smile; it never occurred to them that I was perfectly happy but too preoccupied with my current obsessive interests to bother with facial expressions. Besides these ingrained, often incorrect perceptions, people all too often project their own states of mind onto the world. To a happy person, the world will seem either happy or mildly depressed. To an unhappy person, the world will seem inordinately cheerful or full of suffering. To me? I think the human race has become too shallow and focussed on cheap thrills and mindless entertainment to feel anything deeply. The world seems like a place full of incredible stupidity. It wouldn't bother me too much if it ended tomorrow.
Can I recognise peoples emotions? Yes and no. I am very sensitive to them. I feel them as my own. However, if I had to do it just by reading facial expressions, body language and so and, I expect I'd be lost. Facial expressions tend to be incredibly ambiguous. I've done tests that measure your ability to recognise emotions. In tests where they give you a number of emotions to choose from; I do very well. The answers to these are usually obvious. In tests where you have no clues, I do fairly badly. Many facial expressions could be, in my opinion, indicative of two or more facial states. I have a tendency to pick the 'wrong' one.
Of course, expressions of emotion are usually seen in context, and this helps greatly in interpreting them. Even so; I have a marked tendency to interpret everything as being meant more negatively than it probably actually was. It's not much fun to go around wondering why people are so angry all the time.
The other criterion for empathy is that you should actually CARE about what other people are feeling. I have no idea if other people do this.
It's hard to express this without sounding cold and unfriendly, but I'll try...
Icaring about them. That being said, I care deeply about the feelings of those people that I do care about. If they are suffering, I will be bothered deeply by it, and want to make things better. There are one or two people who if they are unhappy I will find it almost impossible to be happy. But this is the exception rather than the rule.
I've observed that when most people see someone crying on TV on on the street, their instinctive reaction is to want to comfort them. My visceral reaction is to run away and hide in my wardrobe. I experience strong emotions as an intrusion into my psyche. I cannot be in the same room with someone who is very angry or upset. If someone is crying on television, I think "STOP CRYING AT ME!!!!!!" and leave the room.
When my cat, who was my favourite person, died last year, my mother and I went to pick up his body from the animal emergency room. As we walked to the car with him, she had tears in her eyes. My reaction was not sympathy but panic. Why was she intruding on me with these feelings? What was I meant to do? What did she expect from me? As much as I wanted to break down and cry, I didn't. I was afraid that it could lead to us crying on each other's shoulder and trying to comfort one another. The thought of this sort of emotional exchange terrifies me and makes me feel faintly nauseous.
Those are negative emotions. What about positive one?
Happiness I'm fine with. If people are happy- great. They probably aren't going to bother me with it, and I don't have to walk on eggshells for fear of upsetting them further.
I find love to be very perturbing. If I love someone and they love me back, that's wonderful. I'll be jumping up and down for joy; unable to wipe the grin off my face. If I love someone, and they don't love me, I'll be hurt but I'll deal with it. if I don't love someone, and they do love me...
well.
That is a serious problem.
I find it very disturbing, and yes, intrusive. It is comparable to being suffocated. Not just awkward, but disorienting. Terrifying. I'd much rather feel unrequited love than have someone feel unrequited love for me. I have no desire to hurt people.
Love is something of a mystery to me. I can feel it, but most of the time I don't. My parents, for example, are decent people and perfectly adequate parents, but I am not capable of loving them. I like and respect them, but when I search myself for any feelings toward them, I draw a blank. This is how I respond to most people, apart from my closest friends and one or two very influential teachers. I don't understand why people would waste their emotions on people who might not be worth the effort.
So much for what other people think and feel. What about me?
My feelings are there sometimes. My ground state is either happy optimism or neutrality. Most times, if you were to ask me what I was feeling, the answer would be "I don't know, nothing in particular." I don't see the need to have an emotion in every situation. Riding on the bus is not an emotional experience. However, when I do feel something, I feel it extremely deeply. If I am feeling bad, it can get to the point where I become suicidal. But my suicidal thoughts are usually caused by a combination of boredom, self-loathing and frustrating than by suffering as such. I think it's far preferable to be screaming silently in agony than to be empty and dead inside. And I'd know. I've experienced both.
I don't tend to show too much. The last time I cried was not long before Christmas last year, after I'd done my Christmas shopping. The shopping centre was far too noisy and filled with far too many rushing, irritated people. It's no wonder I collapsed when I got home. It was a simple case of sensory overload. It happens. I find even routine social interactions to be tiring, and if I'm forced to be with people and socialise all day long, I'll be exhausted at the end of it. The ambient noise, air-conditioning hiss, fluorescent-light hum and echoes of shopping centres simply exacerbate this problem.
Most things aren't worth crying over. It doesn't achieve anything, in my opinion. If you can make a situation better, then do so. If you can't, then get over it.
To conclude, it seems that I am better at a lot of people at one aspect of empathy- perceiving emotions, but rather deficient in another aspect- actually giving a damn about said emotions. It also seems to me that I feel things less often than other people but more deeply.
--- Can you see me slowly dying? Can you see me fading away? Do you see the corpses that walk the streets? Will you even notice when I disappear?
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3/3/2006, 11:18 am
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musical lottie
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Re: Empathy
I've always thought of myself as very empathic - c'est a dire, if I know how a person's feeling (they have to tell me) then I can usually imagine what it's like. That's my definition of empathy; not the conventional definintion. I'm hopeless at perceiving emotions though - a smile probably means someone's happy, and if they're on the verge of tears (ie welling up) or actually crying, then they're sad. Other than that ... I've done the tests without clues, and got nowhere.
As for when people show strong emotions - I don't feel it's intrusive; I just panic because I don't know what I'm meant to do. I'd rather not notice their emotions and then have to explain afterwards, rather than notice and do the wrong thing. Such as when someone's crying - if they're a close friend, I'll want to comfort them, because I do love them, in a way. But I don't know if it'll make things worse or not, so I panic anyway.
Why can't we just all live on the basis of if we want help, we'll ask; if not then we won't, and so people need not be scared of doing the wrong thing in trying to help?
Argh!
---
The difference between an amateur and a professional: the amateur practises until it's right; the professional practises until it never goes wrong.
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3/4/2006, 5:53 am
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Rachel TheClarinetist
I'm NOT a penguin!
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Re: Empathy
quote:
Why can't we just all live on the basis of if we want help, we'll ask; if not then we won't, and so people need not be scared of doing the wrong thing in trying to help?
*Sighs wistfully*
Straightforward, honest, open communication... how wonderful that would be... none of the damn smoke and mirrors that everyone uses...
--- Can you see me slowly dying? Can you see me fading away? Do you see the corpses that walk the streets? Will you even notice when I disappear?
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3/4/2006, 8:01 pm
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musical lottie
Lightbulb BananaFish
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Re: Empathy
Precisely!
I had a bit of a rant on my LJ about this actually *hides*
---
The difference between an amateur and a professional: the amateur practises until it's right; the professional practises until it never goes wrong.
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3/5/2006, 2:59 am
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Rachel TheClarinetist
I'm NOT a penguin!
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Karma: 24 (+25/-1)
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Re: Empathy
Don't hide, rants are good. Better than locking it all up and getting badly depressed later.
--- Can you see me slowly dying? Can you see me fading away? Do you see the corpses that walk the streets? Will you even notice when I disappear?
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3/5/2006, 4:08 pm
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musical lottie
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Re: Empathy
True.
---
The difference between an amateur and a professional: the amateur practises until it's right; the professional practises until it never goes wrong.
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3/6/2006, 2:14 am
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Rachel TheClarinetist
I'm NOT a penguin!
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Karma: 24 (+25/-1)
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Re: Empathy
True is the opposite of false.
--- Perfection is NOT an unreasonable goal!
(Today: STILL human, all-too-human...)
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3/22/2007, 11:56 pm
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