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V Dazzled
VEEK
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Registered: 03-2006
Location: NorCal
Posts: 2520
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Jokes
We all need a bit of levity in our lives, so I thought I'd start an official Joke thread. Rimshots are optional.
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The new nun goes to her first confession. She tells the priest that she has a terrible secret, and he assures her that her secret is safe in the sanctity of the confessional.
She says, "Father, I never wear panties under my habit."
The priest thinks a while, then says, "That's not too serious. Say five Hail Marys, five Our Fathers, and do six cartwheels on your way to the altar."
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Dear Makers of Tide Detergent,
I'm writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it all my married life, and my mom always told me it was the best.
About a month ago, I spilled red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband belittled me about how clumsy I was, generally becoming a pain in my neck. One thing led to another, and somehow I ended up with his blood on my new white blouse! I grabbed a bottle of Tide with Bleach Alternative, and to my surprise and satisfaction, all the bloodstains came out! In fact, they came out so well that the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative, and then my attorney called and said that I was no longer a suspect in the disappearance of my husband. What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect too! I want to thank you again for having such a great product.
Well, gotta go. I have to write the Hefty Bag people.
--- "My turn!"  |
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6/16/2006, 10:45 pm
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V Dazzled
VEEK
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Registered: 03-2006
Location: NorCal
Posts: 2520
Karma: 66 (+67/-1)
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Re: Jokes
10 WAYS TO KMOW IF YOU HAVE "ESTROGEN ISSUES"
1) Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
2) You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.
3) The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
4) Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
5) You're using your cellphone to dial up every bumper-sticker that says: "How's my driving -- call 1-800-".
6) Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
7) Everyone seems to have just landed here from "outer space".
8) You can't believe they don't make a tampon bigger than Super Plus.
9) You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
10) The ibuprofen bottle is empty, and you just boutght it yesterday.
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TOP 10 THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND
10) Cats' facial expressions.
9) The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.
8) Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.
7) Fat clothes.
6) Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.
5) The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and eggshell.
4) Cutting your hair to make it grow.
3) Eyelash curlers.
2) The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.
and the Number One thing only women understand is...
... OTHER WOMEN!
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A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right next to his. Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip, or pleasure?"
She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Chicago."
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs. Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned from my personal experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
"Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?"
"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African American men are the most well-endowed men of all, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck."
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.
"I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't even be discussing all this with you. I don't even know your name."
"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."
--- "My turn!" |
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6/17/2006, 8:15 pm
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pwsull
Vindicator
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Registered: 05-2006
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Re: Jokes
OUCH!
Uhhh, Actually I liked them all.
P
--- 
"Perily, this pichyssoise of perbiage peers most perbose, so let me simply add that it is my very good honor to meet you and you may call me"...... P |
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6/18/2006, 2:33 pm
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Willoe
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Registered: 04-2006
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Re: Jokes
These are great! All I've got are band/music jokes, so.. 
---
Ideas are bulletproof.
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6/19/2006, 8:10 pm
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CyranoRox
VEEK
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Registered: 05-2006
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Re: Jokes
What did the elephant say to the naked man?
[feel free to picture a naked man most elephantine; chryselephantine, for the advanced]
How do you breathe through that?
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6/21/2006, 5:58 pm
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ButMadNNW
Chief Inspector
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Registered: 03-2006
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Re: Jokes
A Tech Crew joke:
A guy walks into a bar... "Ouch!"
OR
Two guys walk into a bar... the third guy ducks.
=====
Apologies to any Buddhists hanging around (one of my coworkers tells this repeatedly, so it's the only one I can think of right now):
Why did the Buddhist decline novocaine during his root canal?
He wanted to transcend dental medication.
=====
(Just please avoid blonde jokes, if possible.)
Last edited by ButMadNNW, 6/22/2006, 9:58 am
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6/22/2006, 9:58 am
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Bohwea
Artiste Extraordinaire
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Registered: 04-2006
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Re: Jokes
NNW can't come to the phone right now, but she asked me to ask everyone here to specifically post blonde-jokes, as they are her absolute favourite.
--- 
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6/22/2006, 11:27 am
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Leda74
VEEK
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Registered: 03-2006
Location: London, U.K.
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Re: Jokes
Wench 
--- "What is done out of love always takes place beyond good and evil" - Friedrich Nietzsche
"V For Vendetta" Shrine
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6/22/2006, 12:00 pm
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pwsull
Vindicator
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Registered: 05-2006
Location: New England, USA
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Re: Jokes
President Bush was visiting a primary school. One of the classes was in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meaning.
The teacher asked the president if he would like to lead the discussion on the word "tragedy."
So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a tragedy.
Little Jimmy stood up and offered, "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs him over and kills him, that would be a tragedy."
"No," said Bush, "that would be an accident."
Little Suzie raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not." explained the president. "That's what we would call a great loss."
The room went silent.
No other children volunteered. Bush searched the room.
"Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of tragedy?"
Finally at the back of the room little Johnny raised his hand.
In a quiet voice he said: "If Air Force One carrying Mr. and Mrs. Bush was struck by a "friendly fire" missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy."
"Fantastic!" exclaimed Bush. "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"
"Well," says little Johnny, "it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be an accident either."
P
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"Perily, this pichyssoise of perbiage peers most perbose, so let me simply add that it is my very good honor to meet you and you may call me"...... P |
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6/22/2006, 12:18 pm
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