Page: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20
21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 35 36 37 38 39 40
41 42 43 44 45 46 47 48 49 50 51 52 53 54 55 56 57 58 59 60
61 62 63 64 65 66 67 68 69 70 71 72 73 74 75 76 77 78 79 80
81 82 83 84 85 86 87 88
MelindaKitty
Consul
Global user
Registered: 03-2006
Location: 90 Minutes South of La-La-Land
Posts: 3484
Karma: 135 (+137/-2)
|
|
Reply | Quote
|
|
Re: Jokes
Someone read my mind.
P, I laughed out loud. I'm saving that one.
RedHead/Blonde joke:
A Blonde, bored, goes down to the trainyard, looking for something to do.
There's a Redhead, straddling one of the tracks, kind of bouncing back and forth slowly and chanting, "Twenty-one... twenty-one... twenty-one..."
The Blonde, curious, goes over and asks her, "What in the world are you doing?"
The RedHead shrugs and continues her mantra, "Twenty-one... twenty-one.... twenty-one..."
The Blonde, who really is bored and now even more curious, asks, "Can I try?"
The RedHead, still chanting, nods and indicates the Blonde should stand in front of her. They both straddle the track, chanting, "Twenty-one... twenty-one... twenty-one..."
The RedHead pulls back, sneaking off the track. She checks her watch, still chanting.
The Five-O-Clock Special blazes down the tracks, flattening the Blonde.
Nodding to herself, the RedHead takes up a new place on another track. "Twenty-two.... twenty-two... twenty-two...."
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
How many Coloratura Sopranos does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Just one; she holds it up and the world revolves around her
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
How many Jewish Mothers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Nooooooooonnnnnnnnnne. I'll just sit here in the daaaark.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
How many spoiled housewives does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two; One to call the electrician and the other to mix the martinis
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
(Apologies and affection to ButMad, who is among the many very smart natural blondes I know. The stereotypes about RedHeads aren't true either.)
What's the German word for "Blonde?"
Farfromthinkin'.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
What do you call twenty Blondes, standing shoulder-to-shoulder?
A wind tunnel
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
(This from one of the Spice Girls)
What do you call a Spice Girl with two brain cells?
Pregnant!
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
(These are the reason I love and hate Husband, as he comes up with them.)
What do you get when a Tibetan Holy Figure curses your Hostess confection?
A Lama-Damn-a-Ding-Dong
>>
A famous Roman emperor was interested in effigial artwork. Unfortunately, his prized piece burst into flames. However, his loving followers took up a collection to replace it:
The Ignited Nero Collage Fund
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Why do ducks have flat feet?
For stamping our forest fires.
Why do elephants have flat feet?
For stamping out flaming ducks.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
A Buddhist Monk went to a hotdog vendor and said:
"Make me one with everything."
So the hotdog vendor made him a hotdog with all the fixins. The Buddhist Monk handed him a twenty.
The vendor pocketed it.
"Where is my change?" said the Buddhist Monk.
"Aaaaaaaah," said the hotdog vendor. "Change comes from within."
>>>>>>>>>>>>
A Redneck, an Irishman, and a Mexican all worked at a construction site. Every day, they sat on a girder twenty stories up and ate their lunch from their lunchboxes.
Every day, their lunches were the same.
Finally, the Irishman opens his lunchbox and groans, "AHHHHHHHH! Corned beeeef! If I see corned beef one more time, I'll jump t'me death!"
The Mexican opens his lunchbox and groans, "AAAAAAAAYYYYY!!!! Burritos! If I see buritos one more time, I'll jump to my death!"
The Redneck opens his lunchbox and groans, "AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!! Baloney and cheese! If I see baloney and cheese one more time, I'll jump to my death!"
The next day is tense. The three approach their boxes with fear and trepidation:
There is corned beef in the Irishman's lunch. He jumps to his death.
There are burritos in the Mexican's lunch. He jumps to his death.
And, sure enough, there's baloney and cheese in the Redneck's lunch. He jumps to his death.
At the mass funeral, the wives are commisserating:
Irishman's wife, "If only I'd known how he hated corned beef, I'd never have made him eat it!"
Mexican's wife, "And burritos! How was I to know about burritos?"
The Redneck's wife hasn't shed a tear. The other two look at her in a mix of confusion and contempt.
Rednecks wife, "What? That idiot makes his own lunch."
>>>>>>>>>>>
Anyone want to hear my favorite risque joke?
--- 
"Education is the ability to listen to almost anything without losing your temper or your self-confidence."
Robert Frost |
|
6/28/2006, 10:39 pm
|
Send Email to MelindaKitty
Send PM to MelindaKitty
|
Willoe
Vassal
Global user
Registered: 04-2006
Posts: 228
Karma: 4 (+4/-0)
|
|
Reply | Quote
|
|
Re: Jokes
Ok, I have a few non-musical ones here.
What did the egg say to the boiling water?
"I just got laid, and you expect me to get hard in 3 minutes?!"
So two muffins are sitting in an oven. One muffin looks at the other and says, "Man, it sure is hot in here!" The other muffin gapes in horror- "OH MY GOD, A TALKING MUFFIN!"
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead.
Why did the chicken fall out of the tree?
Because it was stapled to the monkey.
And a few musical jokes, just because they make me smile.
What is the difference between a bull and an orchestra?
A bull has the horns in the front, and the asshole in the back.
How do you know a drummer is at your door?
The knock slows down.
What do you get when you cross a French Horn and a goalpost?
A goalpost that can't march.
What is perfect pitch on a flute?
When it misses the rim of the trash can.
How do you tune two piccolos?
You shoot both of them.
What is the difference between a clarinet and an onion?
People cry when you chop up onions.
What is the difference between a dead squirrel in the road and a dead trombonist in the road?
The squirrel MAY have been on his way to a gig.
What's the difference between a baritone saxophone and a chainsaw?
Vibrato.
Why do bagpipe players walk while they play?
To get away from the noise.
What is the difference between government bonds and trumpet players?
Eventually, bonds mature and earn money.
Little Jimmy ran to his Mother one morning and said, "Mother, when I grow up, I want to be a trumpet player!"
Well, Little Jimmy's Mother can hardly stop laughing enough to say, "But Jimmy- you can't do both!"
What is the very definition of a gentleman?
Someone who knows how to play the soprano saxophone, but doesn't.
A girl went out on a date with a trumpet player, and when she came back her roommate asked, "Well, how was it? Did his embouchure make him a great kisser?"
"Nah," the first girl replied. "That dry, tight, tiny little pucker? It was no fun at all."
The next night she went out with a tuba player, and when she came back her roommate asked, "Well, how was his kissing?"
"Ugh!" the first girl exclaimed. "Those huge, rubbery, blubbery, slobbering slabs of meat; oh, it was just gross!"
The next night she went out with a French horn player, and when she came back her roommate asked, "Well, how was his kissing?"
"Well," the first girl replied, "his kissing was just so-so; but I loved the way he held me!"
How many tuba players does it take to change a lightbulb?
3: One to hold the bulb, and two others to drink until the room spins.
What did the drummer get on his IQ test?
Negative.
How do you know if the stage is level?
The drummer is drooling out of both sides of his mouth.
What do you say to a trumpet player in a three-piece suit?
"Will the defendant please rise?"
What do you call 10 accordions at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start.
A guy walks into a pet store wanting a parrot. The store clerk shows him two beautiful ones out on the floor. "This one's $5,000 and the other is $10,000." the clerk said.
"Wow! What does the $5,000 one do?"
"This parrot can sing every aria Mozart ever wrote."
"And the other?" said the customer.
"This one can sing Wagner's entire Ring cycle. There's another one in the back room for $30,000."
"Holy moly! What does that one do?"
"Nothing that I can tell, but the other two parrots call him 'Maestro'."
Heehee, wow I had a lot more of those than I thought.. Sorry!   
MK, I'd love to hear your risque joke!
---
Ideas are bulletproof.
|
|
6/29/2006, 12:06 am
|
Send Email to Willoe
Send PM to Willoe
MSN
|
MelindaKitty
Consul
Global user
Registered: 03-2006
Location: 90 Minutes South of La-La-Land
Posts: 3484
Karma: 135 (+137/-2)
|
|
Reply | Quote
|
|
Re: Jokes
UNRELATED PREFACE: I was once backstage before a theater performance in high school. One of the guys (the really obnoxious type, who's a total ass, but is such a talented actor that he gets all the leading roles) was telling Big **** jokes -- the kind that have punchlines like "fold it in half" and that kind of thing. Even as a teenager, I had a taste for ribald humor, but only if it was funny. These weren't funny; they were just sexist and gross.
I countered with, "D'you know why men make terrible architects?"
All faces swiveled toward me.
"Because they swear a foot is this big." I held my thumb and forefinger only inches apart.
The guy never told another Big **** joke in front of me again. The other girls around me were relieved.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Little Red Riding Hood is skipping along the forest path, on her way to Grandma's house.
A little squirrel jumps out into her path to warn her.
Little Squirrel (in high, squeaky voice): Red Riding Hood! Red Riding Hood! The Big Bad Wolf is on his way! He's going to tickle your titties!
Red Riding Hood (unruffled): I don't think so. I have this book and the goodies in my basket. I can handle him.
So she skips along the forest path. A rabbit jumps out to warn her.
Rabbit (in high, squeaky voice): Red Riding Hood! Red Riding Hood! The Big Bad Wolf is just over the hill! He's going to tickle your titties!
Red Riding Hood (completely calm): I don't think so. I have this book and the goodies in my basket. I can take care of the Wolf.
So she skips along the forest path and - sure enough - the Big Bad Wolf leaps out into her path, paws itching to tickle.
Big Bad Wolf (in deep, scratchy voice): Red Riding Hood! Red Riding Hood! I'm here to tickle your titties!
Red Riding Hood sets down her basket, whips a shotgun out of the basket, levels it at the wolf, and opens the book
Red Riding Hood: Oh no you're not. You're gonna eat me, just like it says here in this book!
---
"Education is the ability to listen to almost anything without losing your temper or your self-confidence."
Robert Frost |
|
6/29/2006, 8:44 am
|
Send Email to MelindaKitty
Send PM to MelindaKitty
|
ButMadNNW
Chief Inspector
Global user
Registered: 03-2006
Location: Limbo
Posts: 11576
Karma: 171 (+172/-1)
|
|
Reply | Quote
|
|
Re: Jokes
Since I'm at work and can't laugh out loud at all these jokes:
 
Q. How many psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. Only one, but the lightbulb has to want to change.
=====
(I read this in Reader's Digest years ago...)
Dan Quayle and Al Gore die at the same time and go to Heaven. St. Peter meets them at the gate and stops them from entering.
"I'm sorry, guys," Peter says, "we're full right now. But the good news is, while we're waiting for space to open up, I can send you back to Earth in any form you desire."
The two VPs mull it over. Finally, Gore says, "I've always wanted to be a majestic bald eagle, soaring high over the Grand Canyon."
St. Peter snaps his fingers, and *POOF* Gore disappears.
Qualye strikes a pose and says, "I've always wanted to be a cool stud."
"You got it." *SNAP* And Qualye disappears.
Six months later, an angel comes up to St. Peter. "Pete, some space finally opened up. Whatever happened to those two guys you sent back to Earth?"
St. Peter thinks for a moment before replying, "One is flying high over the Grand Canyon, and the other is on a snow tire in Detroit."
=====
Q. What's red and green and goes 90 mph?
A. A frog in a blender.
=====
Q. What's red, green, and brown and goes 90 mph?
A. The same frog, a week later.
|
|
6/29/2006, 10:47 am
|
Send Email to ButMadNNW
Yahoo
|
galaxythief
Vassal
Global user
Registered: 06-2006
Posts: 130
Karma: 3 (+3/-0)
|
|
Reply | Quote
|
|
Re: Jokes
LoL! ah jeez. xD
key lets see if i can remember how this goes, i hope it isn't TOO risque  if it is, feel free to delete it. o_o
---
A fly is buzzing around six inches above the water of a river. In the river, a fish sees it and thinks, "If that fly drops six inches, I will be able to jump up and get it and have a nice dinner."
A little ways off, a bear is watching. It thinks: "If that fly drops six inches and the fish jumps up to get it, then I can take a swipe at it and have a nice dinner."
A hunter is sitting near the water with a rifle in one hand and a cheese sandwhich in the other. He thinks: "If that fly drops six inches and the fish jumps up to get it and the bear takes a swipe for it, I will drop my cheese sandwhich and shoot the bear and have a nice dinner."
A mouse is hiding close to the hunter watching all of this. It thinks: "If that fly drops six inches and the fish jumps up to get it and the bear takes a swipe at it, then the hunter will drop the cheese sandwhich to shoot the bear and I will scurry over and have a nice dinner."
A pussycat sits close enough to see all that is happening. It thinks: "If that fly drops six inches, then the fish will jump up to get it, the bear will take a swipe for it, the hunter will drop his cheese sandwhich to shoot the bear, that mouse will scurry over and i will go pounce, pounce, pounce! and have a nice dinner."
So what happened?
The fly dropped six inches, the fish jumped out of the water to get the fly, the bear took a swipe at the fish, the hunter dropped his cheese sandwhich to shoot the bear, the mouse scurried over to eat the sandwhich and the pussycat went pounce, pounce, pounce... splash!
The moral of our story?
Everytime a fly drops six inches, a pussy gets wet.
--- 
 |
|
6/29/2006, 10:56 am
|
Send Email to galaxythief
Send PM to galaxythief
|
Leda74
VEEK
Global user
Registered: 03-2006
Location: London, U.K.
Posts: 3541
Karma: 118 (+119/-1)
|
|
Reply | Quote
|
|
Re: Jokes
So there's this tiny little lizard walking along the ground, and as he walks past a tree, he glances up and sees a monkey, relaxing on a branch, smoking a gigantic doobie. The lizard climbs up to the monkey and asks him what he's doing.
"Just chillin', man," says the monkey. "You want to partake?"
The lizard agrees, and takes a few hits on the joint. After a while, though, he feels a little dizzy and develops a terribly dry mouth. He excuses himself, climbs back down the tree and goes in search of water.
He eventually comes across a river, walks out onto a branch and starts to drink. He is so dizzy, however, that he falls in. Luckily, a passing crocodile spots the little lizard's plight and drags him to the safety of the bank. Once there, the crocodile asks the lizard what happened.
"Well," explains the lizard, "I was up in a tree over there, smoking a joint with a monkey, when I felt very thirsty and came down here for a drink."
The crocodile is amazed by this story, and decides he has to see for himself. He wanders off into the jungle, finds the tree, looks up, and sure enough, there's the monkey, still knocking back on the blunt. The crocodile shouts up, "Hey, you!".
The monkey looks down, blinks once or twice and says, "Fuuuuuuuuuuck, dude, how much water did you drink!?"
--- "What is done out of love always takes place beyond good and evil" - Friedrich Nietzsche
"V For Vendetta" Shrine
 |
|
6/29/2006, 1:15 pm
|
Send Email to Leda74
Send PM to Leda74
AIM
Yahoo
Blog
|
MelindaKitty
Consul
Global user
Registered: 03-2006
Location: 90 Minutes South of La-La-Land
Posts: 3484
Karma: 135 (+137/-2)
|
|
Reply | Quote
|
|
Re: Jokes
quote:
ButMadNNW wrote:
St. Peter thinks for a moment before replying, "One is flying high over the Grand Canyon, and the other is on a snow tire in Detroit."
LOL!!!!
quote:
galaxythief wrote:
The moral of our story?
Everytime a fly drops six inches, a pussy gets wet.
LOL!!!!!!!!!
*snorks and earns funny looks from parents, but declines to pass on the joke*
quote:
Leda74 wrote:
The monkey looks down, blinks once or twice and says, "Fuuuuuuuuuuck, dude, how much water did you drink!?"
kihihi!!!!
*laughs*
*laughs harder*
*laughs even harder as brain draws up animation to match the joke*
*can identify customers who qualify for each part*
*squeaks*
*reads joke to parents, who also laugh*
I've mentioned that I love you guys, right?
>>>>>>>>
Why do elephants paint their toenails red?
To hide in cherry trees.
Ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree? No?
Works pretty good, don't it?
Why should you never go into the jungle between 3 and 5 PM?
Because that's when the elephants fall out of the cherry trees.
Why are pygmies so short?
Because they went into the jungle between 3 and 5 PM.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Gracias a Stephen Wright:
I put Spot Remover on my dog, now he's gone.
>>
I put an instant burrito in the microwave... and went back in time.
>>
While I was asleep, someone came into my apartment, stole all my stuff, and replaced it with an exact replica. I called my best friend to tell him about it and he said, "Do I know you?"
---
"Education is the ability to listen to almost anything without losing your temper or your self-confidence."
Robert Frost |
|
6/29/2006, 3:01 pm
|
Send Email to MelindaKitty
Send PM to MelindaKitty
|
V Dazzled
VEEK
Global user
Registered: 03-2006
Location: NorCal
Posts: 2520
Karma: 66 (+67/-1)
|
|
Reply | Quote
|
|
Re: Jokes
A family is sitting around the supper table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of breasts are there?"
Dad, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, they are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties and forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions."
"Onions?"
"Yes. You see them and they make you cry."
This infuriated the wife and daughter, so the daughter said, "Mom, how many kinds of penises are there?"
Mom, surprised, smiles and looks at her husband. "Well, dear, a man goes through three phases. In his twenties, his penis is like an oak, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it's like birch, flexible but reliable. In his fifties, it's like a Christmas tree."
"Christmas tree?"
"Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are there for decoration only."
--- "My turn!"  |
|
6/29/2006, 9:27 pm
|
Send Email to V Dazzled
Send PM to V Dazzled
|
MelindaKitty
Consul
Global user
Registered: 03-2006
Location: 90 Minutes South of La-La-Land
Posts: 3484
Karma: 135 (+137/-2)
|
|
Reply | Quote
|
|
Re: Jokes
quote:
V Dazzled wrote:
"Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are there for decoration only."
OMGOMGOMGOMG!!!!!
You rock!!!!!
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
A Minister, a Rabbi, and a High Priestess are good friends. From time to time, they meet to do something social together. One day, the Rabbi suggests they go fishing as a change of pace. The Minister thinks this a bit odd, as he wasn't aware either the Rabbi or the High Priestess knew how to fish, but he goes along.
The unlikely trio meet up at the lake and the Rabbi prepares the boat. They motor out to a good spot, chatting and catching up with each other.
After a little while of still water and no bites, the Rabbi pulls up his hook. "This bait is terrible!," he says. "I've got much better than this in my tackle box in the truck."
"Too bad," says the Minister, but he dutifully pulls up his hook and prepares to start the motor so they can head for shore.
"Oh no no!" says the Rabbi, gesturing for him to stop. "There's no need for all that. I've got a better idea."
And he hops out of the boat and trots across the water to shore. He retrieves the tackle box and trots back out to the boat.
The Minister is wide-eyed. "How... how... how?"
"Faith," says the Rabbi. "Ya gotta have faith, my friend."
The Minister nods and goes back to fishing, though thoroughly shaken.
A little while later, the three of them are starting to swelter in the midday sun. "I'd do just about anything for a beer," says the Minister.
"Ah," says the High Priestess, "I'll get them then."
"But they're back in the truck," says the Minister.
"No problem," says the High Priestess.
She hops out of the other side of the boat and trots across the water to shore, retrieves the cooler, and returns to the boat.
The Minister's eyes have nearly popped out of his head. "How.... How.... How....?"
"Faith," says the High Priestess. "You must have faith, my friend."
And as the Rabbi and High Priestess open the cooler, the Minister has a revelation. In a fit of epiphany, he shouts to the sky, "I believe, Lord! I believe!"
He leaps over the side of the boat and sinks like a stone.
The Rabbi sips his brew. "Think we should've told him where the stepping stones were?"
The High Priestess tilts her head in confusion. "Stones?"
---
"Education is the ability to listen to almost anything without losing your temper or your self-confidence."
Robert Frost |
|
6/29/2006, 9:49 pm
|
Send Email to MelindaKitty
Send PM to MelindaKitty
|
Add a reply
Page: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20
21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 35 36 37 38 39 40
41 42 43 44 45 46 47 48 49 50 51 52 53 54 55 56 57 58 59 60
61 62 63 64 65 66 67 68 69 70 71 72 73 74 75 76 77 78 79 80
81 82 83 84 85 86 87 88
Powered by AkBBS 0.9.5b - Link to us
- Blogs
- Hall of Honour
- Chat
Click here to get your own free message board
|
You are not logged in (login)
Board's time is: 11/25/2009, 9:59 am
|
|
|
