ryoko
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Registered: 07-2003
Location: 6 feet under
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Innocent?
>.> I got tired of polluting DC, but I wanted a place I trust for my stories... So guess who got volunteered?! . . .
Prehaps back then, I was a little more confident in myself. Maybe the way I look at life now is completely changed from how I was when I was a kid. The times on the swings, laughing because someone had said "bottom" a little too loud and made a little red-head named Megan gasp and giggle manically; those were innocent, fun-filled times. Despite the innocence, I had still reigned as toughest kid around amoung the boys and girls. My short, chestnut hair bouncing as I'd run from side to side of the grounds playing leader of my small tribe. Sure of myself, anyone who spoke ill of me had something coming. Sometimes, I'd laugh because it was true and, in all sense, actually good humoured. It was fun, innocent, and done on a rarity. Knowing all this from my past, can nine years really have such an effect to cause everything I upheld then to go awry?
If I were to walk the halls of my school now, anyone who knew me, had a joke in which I was greeted. If Hero were to greet me, I'd be soluted, followed by random German that I can never understand. It was the joke; solutes and German. That was her joke and mine. To go deeper into it though, it's really all about Nazis. Sad as it is, Nazis are what inspired her greeting me. I was Hitler, bent on destroying specific groups of people with my prejudice, while she is just my loyal follower. Positive that if anyone else knew this I'd be stoned, I don't make eye contact when we solute. The seven-year-old me lying inside of me is probably the one who wants to cry right now.
Now, the most celebrated of jokes I play upon myself, is that I'm a whore. Everyone is in on it, and everyone is free to laugh at it. Swaping stories of my sexual escapades, making stories that have made me weep into something light-hearted... The regular in taking in the whore activity. The part no one ever told me about when you declare you're a whore, is that is sticks with you. People that don't even know you begin to cut you with their eyes, labeling into your flesh what you are to them; a whore. No one really understands the humour isn't real. No one can understand the shame and pain you feel when a friend says it with a chuckle. It burns. You laugh to acknowledge the light-heartedness behind it all; the innocence of knowing what it really does to you when they say those words.
Innocent, light-hearted, fun: That's what the joke becomes after using it for so long. It's not fun. It's far from light-hearted. It's not near innocent. Innocent is a seven-year-old child swinging on the swings. Light-hearted is a child giggling at the word "bottom." Fun is living life with the esteem and confidence only children seem to have now.
---
"You will do foolish things, but do them with enthusiasm. "--Colette
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6/3/2005, 12:32 am
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