wanderingsoul
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Registered: 07-2003
Location: Wandering
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How can I ever let you go?
I’ve never written anything in this way before. But the song just took me. Completely consumed me. Engulfed me. And it made me remember. Well, not made me. I was already remembering, I think. But it made those memories stronger, more beautiful, more painful. And my feelings overflowed from me. Lost myself. Lost my hold on me. Remembered what is was like before him—and after. And remembered how there WAS no me before him—and not for a long time after him.
I am going to eventually explore and write about the time before him. It is what is behind everything. But not now. All things in time. All things in their proper order. And now is not the right time.
And I have already written about him. About the first time we met. About our first time together. But that didn’t touch on my feelings for him. Not really. It is nearly 7 years since the night we met. And 5 years and 1 month from the day he left. I have had several relationships in between then and now. Some good, some not. And I am now with someone I love beyond reason. Someone I plan to spend the rest of my life with.
But I am not over him. Realized that full force Sunday night when I heard this song. Realized that every word in that song spoke my feelings. Feelings I always really knew I had. But had pushed away. Realized I had to write this. It isn’t good, but it is necessary.
The song quoted is "Everything I Own" by David Gates—the version that was originally recorded by Bread way back in 1972.
How can I ever let you go?
You sheltered me from harm
Kept me warm... kept me warm
“I would never hurt you, babe.”
You pulled me close to you and pulled the comforter over both of us. I laid my head on your chest and rubbed my cheek against your skin. You felt so warm. You put your arms around me. You felt so safe. I felt your lips brush my hair, heard you whisper my name as I drifted away into a world of peace I had thought I would never find again.
You gave my life to me
Set me free... set me free
I had lost me. But that wasn’t how I felt. I didn’t feel loss. I felt absence. There was no me.
“Who the **** do you think you are?” I heard the voice demanding. And the answer was that I was nothing. Nothing that was wanted, nothing that was needed, nothing that was loved—just a thing to be used. Not me. There was no me. There was just a thing.
But you found me. Reached behind the walls, behind the scars and found who I was. And you freed that that little dying thing from its prison deep inside of me. You held it in your hands, pressed it close against your chest and gave it the beat of your own heart.
The finest years I ever knew
Were all the years I had with you
As I lay in your arms, watching you sleep, I ran a finger over your eyebrow and around the corner of your eye, tracing the fine lines, lines where laughter still lingered. I let my palm rest against your cheek, my thumb brushing over your lips. Nothing would ever be more beautiful to me. And for the first time, I felt my life was complete. Nothing was missing. And the feeling of happiness in me was complete, so overwhelming that it spilled from my eyes onto your chest.
And I would give anything I own
Would give up my life, my heart, my home
I would give everything I own
Just to have you back again.
How can I ever let you go?
You taught me how to love
What it's of... what's it's of
You never said too much
But still you showed the way, and I knew
From watchin' you
The mist still hung over the lake as we sat on a rock at its edge, our feet dangling in the water. Your arm was around me, my head was on your shoulder. You turned your head and kissed my hair as you reached for my hand. I stole a look up at you from under my eyelashes and you laughed and kissed my forehead. “That look is a lethal weapon, Luc. Ought to have to register that with the FBI.” You pulled me closer and put your fingers under my chin. I looked up at you, looked into the eyes that held my soul. You smiled down at me and shook your head slightly, that same look of wonder in your eyes that had been there the first time I had lain in your arms. You kissed me—long and slow. We sat there and watched the sun rise higher in the sky, watched the mist burn off the lake.
Love will always be this to me. Not the heated embrace, not the pounding of two bodies together. It will always be the soft touch, the smile, the closeness without words.
Nobody else could ever know
The part of me that can't let go.
I sat there shaking violently, tears uncontrollably streaming from my eyes, my breath catching hard in my throat. Five years later and I was gripping as tightly to you as I had the day you left.
You knew who I was—who I am. You didn’t just hear my words, you listened to them. That part of me that I had never shown to anyone—not even those I loved most—I placed in your hands. And you accepted it. Cherished it. Nurtured it. That part of me that no one else knew. It only lived in you—only lives in you. I never took it back from you, never gave it to anyone else. How can I let you go? Part of me is still with you. If I let you go, will I lose me again? How can I ever let you go?
And I would give anything I own
Would give up my life, my heart, my home
I would give everything I own
Just to have you back again.
How can I ever let you go?
Is there someone you know, you're loving them so
But taking them all for granted?
I thought you would always be there. Never even considered a day without you. Never looked down that road and saw you walking away. Always saw you walking by my side.
You may lose them one day
Someone takes them away
Then you were gone. You never asked me to go with you. Instead you kissed me and told me he loved me more than you did even. And you said it with a smile, a soft laugh. You meant that he loved me so much. But I heard you loved me so much less.
And they don't hear the words longed to say.
I never got a chance to tell you I would have gone with you to the ends of the earth and beyond.
I would give anything I own
Would give up my life, my heart, my home
I would give everything I own
Just to have you back again
Just to touch you once again.
How can I ever let you go?
Last edited by wanderingsoul, 12/9/2003, 10:40 pm
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And by and by my Soul returned to me, And answered "I Myself amd Heav'n and Hell"
Omar Khayyam
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