wanderingsoul
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Munchie Cleans the Chimney - Friday, April 16, 2004
It is a beautiful day today. The temperature is in the low 60’s, the sun is shining, there is a light breeze. All in all a perfect Spring day. A nice day to go for a walk.
Apparently that’s what Munchie thought.
I am sitting here at work now and am torn between laughing my ass off and being seriously concerned for my sanity—and my house.
I just got back from lunch—had some nice leftover meatball stroganoff, which was very tasty. I sat down at my desk and started to open a file—and the phone rang. It was Kyle.
“The cat got stuck in the chimney! We had to get him out!”
“What?” My head was still in meatball stroganoff.
“The cat got stuck in the chimney! We had to get him out!”
“Ok…what happened?”
“The ****ing cat got stuck in the ****ing chimney! Sam heard him meowing and woke me up! I thought he was full of **** but I got up and the ****ing cat was stuck in the chimney!”
”How can that be? How the hell did he get in there?” Stupid questions.
“How the **** should I know! He must have been walking across the roof and fell in!”
Deep breath. “But there is a screen over the chimney. I remember Mark *****ing about it when he had to clean the fireplace.”
“Not the ****ing fireplace chimney, the CHIMNEY chimney!”
Deep breath. “Ok, is he out now?”
“Yeah, I had to poke him down.”
Deep breath. “With what?”
“Those fiberglass poles you use for the chimney.”
Ok, they are chimney poles—assuming they are the ones the brushes attach to. Well, they are meant to be used in the chimney… “Did you use the brush?”
”No, it’s the wrong brush for that chimney!”
Ok… is there a law that applies here? “So you didn’t use the brush, you just used the end of the pole?”
“No, I used the ****ing SIDE of the pole! What the **** do you think? We’ll have to keep an eye on him, he is pretty terrified.”
Imagine that is an understatement. “So he’s out now…”
“Yeah, I poked him and he scrambled around and I kept poking him further down and he would scramble around and I poked him again until he fell out the bottom. Sam got him in the cellar.”
Hyperventilating a bit. “Ok…”
“He was ****ing covered in soot.”
Obvious statement. “Ok, he will need a bath.”
“Sam and me gave him one. In the bath tub. It’s all black now.”
Deep breath. “Ok, so the tub is black but the cat is clean?”
“Yeah, he’s wrapped in a towel. We need to keep an eye on him, he’s pretty terrified.”
Again with the obvious. “Ok, what is he doing right now?”
“He’s wrapped in a towel and Sam is holding him.”
“Ok, what is Munchie DOING right now? What is his face like?”
“Sam, what’s Munchie’s face doing?”
Rolls eyes.
“His eyes are big and he’s washing.”
Deep breath. “Ok, if he is washing, he is ok. Why is he still wrapped in the towel?”
“Because he was wet.”
“Ok, did you rub him?”
“What do you mean did I ****ing rub him?”
Deep breath. “Did you or Sam rub his fur with the towel?”
“Yeah.”
“Then let him out of the towel so he can finish washing up and sit in a nice sunny window.”
“Sam, let Munchie go so he can sit in the window. No, take the towel off him first.”
“So is he ok?”
“Well, he’s a little grey. And he is smaller than he was.”
Silence. “Smaller?” Picturing missing limbs.
“Yeah, he left a lot of fur in the chimney.”
“Ok, did you check him for abrasions?”
“No, but I have some scratches. He didn’t like the bath.”
“Did you use the cat shampoo?”
“What cat shampoo? I just used what was in the shower.”
“Hopefully not the dandruff shampoo…”
Silence. “Why not?”
“Well, it has chemicals in it…” Abbott and Costello bathe a cat.
“So does soot. At least most of that is off now.”
Good point. “Ok, so the cat was black; he is now grey. Is Sam black?”
“He was a little black, but he sort of got washed with the cat.”
“Ok…is anything else in the house black?”
“No, just the tub and Sam’s shirt.”
It was a school shirt—I saw it on him before I went to work. Of course. Couldn’t be an old t-shirt. “Ok, the tub is black—that’s gotta be washed out with the bathroom cleaner, soot is oily…”
“I couldn’t find that, I sprayed everything with the Windex.”
Well, it’s not like I ever use the Windex on the windows…
Yes it is a beautiful day today. The temperature is in the low 60’s, the sun is shining, there is a light breeze. All in all a perfect Spring day. A nice day to go for a walk. But not across the top of a chimney.
Oh the bright side, the chimney is clean. Won’t have to do that in the fall this year. And grey is a nice color for a cat.
“Chim chiminey, chim chiminey, chim chim cheree…”
---
And by and by my Soul returned to me, And answered "I Myself amd Heav'n and Hell"
Omar Khayyam
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