TriciaS
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Julie's Story
Ok this is my first Original Story, and it needs a lot of work and editing but this is what I have now. I also dont have any idea where this story is going. Let me know what you think.
Ever since I could remember I had everything i had ever wanted. I always has the best style, friends, parents and even boyfriends.That was before I left home though.
I came to New York to begin a new life. I wanted to meet new people and learn new things. Atleast that's what I told everyone. No one knows why i really left Califonia. I just decide to leave one day. I told my family I was bored and wanted something more out of life. Then I left, just like that. I knew people would be hurt by the truth. That's why I never told them, I guess I thought if I had left I wouldn't have to deal with it anymore. I was wrong though Istill have to deal with it.
It all happen so fast. The truth I mean. No one knows the truth, except me and Kyle. Not like my family would believe me. I just know they wouldn't, somehow i just know. It's like a feeling deep inside my guts, that tells me no one will believe me.
Wait, I have to start from the begining for you to understand. Remember when I said I always had my way, even with boyfriends ? Well that was a lie. There was one guy that changed my life in more ways than he will ever know.
Ok, thats all i have time to post... I will post more later, but tell me what you think
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8/24/2003, 12:56 am
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Belle
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Re: Julie's Story
Very good. Grabbed my attention from the start.
Really want to know what has happened.
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8/24/2003, 9:45 am
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TriciaS
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Re: Julie's Story
Ok im back from Vaca, and i found my writings so here it is! Thank Belle that review makes me feel that people actually like my writing, even though it needs a lot of work.
I know this story as though it had happened yesterday. Then again you never forget things like this, even when you are old and gray.
It all started when I was eighteen and fresh out of high school, Beverly Hills High School, infact. My parents were so proud of me, to them I was the perfect daughter. I had a 4.0 G.P.A and a 1435 on my SATS. I was even going to UCLA, so I could be close to them.
Everyone at my high school wasnted to be me. I was the popular, preppy, cheerleader that got everything she ever wanted.
Anyways, where was I? Oh yes, high school. The night i graduated there was a monster party at Jennifer's house. Jennifer was my best friend. I was standing there looking cool and drinking a beer. The music was loud, really loud. It was a band playing that night, their name was the HillBillies.
Just when I was about to go home, I bumped in to this really good looking guy.
That is all i have time for tonight...I will update soon, and i would love to hear your thoughts! I know it needs work but im getting there.
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8/29/2003, 10:15 pm
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TriciaS
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Re: Julie's Story
The guy I saw is Kyle. Now i say that he is attractive and he is but not my normal type. My type was those preppy blonde guys that wore American Eagle and Gap clothes. They were all blue eyed and a little short. Kyle was different, He had on baggy pants and a black shirt. He was Brown eyed and and spiked his darker brown hair. You could tell he was natuarally tan. I still don't know what attracted me to him.
What I do know is that from the moment I saw him I was paralyzed. I could move. I think it was his eyes, his big green eyes. His eyes made me feel free of all emotion. Those eyes took me away to the calm, cool waters of Hawaii. Everything else had no meaning.
Soon those eyes started to drift to me. I guess Kyle saw me staring. Cause next thing I knew he was standing right in front of me. Then he introduced himself, "Hey there, I'm Kyle. What's your name?"
I wanted to say something like, "Hey Kyle, I'm Julie." I know that sounds lame, but thats better than what came out. What came out was a bunch of "uhhh" and "errr" Thank God my friend Jennifer came around. She must of saw that I couldn't speak to him and introduced me. Kyle turned out to be her cousin from Chicago.
Kyle then told me he was about to leave, and asked if I needed a ride. I was so happy to hear that. He didn't think i was some sort of idiot. Now being my
Ok there is a word im looking for and i cant think of it....so im stopping till i think of it.
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9/2/2003, 2:55 pm
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wanderingsoul
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Re: Julie's Story
I like your story so far. The thing I like best about it is the point of view, the way you are telling the story. It makes me feel like you are TELLING me about this, rather than writing it. This is a very good technique to use sometimes, because it helps the reader engage--makes him feel like you are SPEAKING to him. When I read something written this way, I find myself nodding and reacting just as if I were hearing you speak.
A couple of suggestions:
* Try to separate your actual story from your comments to us. This is especially important since your story is also speaking to us.
* Try to keep the language style the same as you continue. I really like how it sounds as if it is half of a conversation with a friend (as you tell him/her about all this). So write it like you would say it. So far, you are doing a great job of this.
---
And by and by my Soul returned to me, And answered "I Myself amd Heav'n and Hell"
from The Rubaiyat of Omar Khayyam as translated by Edward Fitzgerald
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9/2/2003, 11:25 pm
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