morekitty
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Registered: 02-2004
Location: CA
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though a childs eyes
Im not really sure where to begin this story. The story of my childhood fears coming true. My mother and I were not really prepared for any of what Im about to tell you, but no one is for this sort of thing. I guess the start of this begins with the nightmare.
I was two years old, six months away from being three. I had my first real nightmare, a dream no child wants to dream. My dream had everyone in black, crying all around. My daddy was in a box sleeping. I was confused; my mother was so upset she could barely hold onto me. I started to feel fear knowing something wasnt right. My family was all crying and Daddy never slept outside . I think my own shrieks of fear woke me up. I remember my dad walking in and cradling me in his arms . With his comfort I temporarily forgot my dream.
Days passed since that night. My days were filled with mud pies, teddy bears and being Daddys little girl. Next thing I know my dad had a suit case, in hand and was getting in the car. I remember my mother telling me, Say good bye to Daddy. I felt that fear again, the one from my dream I cried and clung to my father not wanting to let go. I dont remember him leaving, I just remember my tears over my fear, for my daddy.
My mother tried to keep me busy days after that, lots of fun trips to the mall and park. In the evenings Mom would talk on the phone, then pass the phone to me letting me hear Daddys voice. I found this exciting never before had I ever talked to someone on the phone. Its seemed even more perfect to me, that my daddy was my first phone conversation; it was more fun then any toy I had ever gotten. With his voice happy as ever on the phone, I forgot are heart breaking goodbye.
A few more days passed and Mommy talked about a trip to see Daddy. Always any mention of the word Daddy, I would clap my hands jumping, with excitement and joy. I loved my daddy so much. Mommy got me set up in the car, I had a snack while strapped in my car seat. I loved car trips, I always would pretend the car was a spaceship, going to a new planet with magic. I fell asleep on the long trip, dreaming my childhood dreams.
My mother woke me up just as we arrived in front of a huge tall building, my mother pointed to it and said look at the big hotel, Daddys staying in. I smiled fascinated with the size of the building, we didnt have tall buildings like that at home. I pulled my mother hurriedly in the front doors of the hotel, excitement fueling me. I wanted to explore all the hotel had to offer with my daddy, as soon as possible.
My mother and I got on the elevator heading to a high floor. When we got off the elevator, mother pulled out a key she picked up from the front desk. She then looked at all the doors down a small and narrow hallway. I wondered what all the doors lead to I wanted to see what was behind them, I questioned if perhaps there was any magic behind them, there were so many doors. My mother finally found the door she was looking for, she put the key in the little hole of the door knob. At the moment she put the key in, I started to complain at the fact that wanted to open the door. My mother was in the process of telling me I couldnt do it this time, when she found the door locked by a chain in the inside.
My mother called out to my father worry in her voice John?John? But no answer, I felt fear coming off my mother. I could hear panic in her voice now, she started to pound on the door, yelling for my father. I wasnt sure what was wrong , but I had never seen my mother like this. I started to cry not knowing, or understanding how to react.
Panic written in my mothers face, she grabbed my hand and pulled me along with her. As she went speeding down the hall, passing all the doors so quickly they were blurs. I tried to protest her pulling, not sure where she was taking me. She was in no mood to deal with my protests and quickly grabbed me up in her arms. Afraid of what was going to happen to me I cried more and more. I was never allowed to scream when I cried, so I had to keep my cries to a soft roar.
We went back in the elevator down to the front desk. My mother set me down on my feet again. She was so angry and sad at the same time, I could feel it radiate off her. She started talking to the man that was behind the desk, giving her the key only moments before. She argued with him, I dont remember the words spoken at first, But I do know it was about my daddy and that door. I covered my ears and hummed loudly to myself, not wanting to hear my mother yell. Toward the end of the argument I do remember my mothers exact words If you dont open that door, I will break it down!. She said it in such powerful words, it made me shake.
The man behind the desk seemed to feel intimidated by my mother; because he got the maintenance man to bring bolt cutters. As my mother carried me back to the elevator, I just was overwhelmed by my mothers emotions, she still was unhappy and I could not understand it at all. I just knew it was bad, this was not supposed to happen. I closed my eyes trying to hug onto my mother but she did not try to comfort me back; she just felt empty.
When we reached the floor that had started this twist of bad fate. My mother set me back down on my feet. Having me hurry my little feet just to catch up with her and the maintenance man. This time the long hall way of doors held no magic, no secrets to them they were just doors. No, not even doors they were walls to me they were just walls, walling me in to this hectic place. Where all I felt was confusion.
I saw my mother cry as the man used the bolt cutters on the chain. As that chain was cut my mother seemed as if she had glanced at the end of the world. The look in her eyes , was one of someone wanting to give up. I was worried about my daddy, but also about myself. Wondering if she would take care of me still. I felt like she didnt even notice me next to her. Trying my hardest to Comfort her in all the ways a toddler knows how.
Finally they cut the chain all the way and the door opened up. Reviling the truth to my nightmares and my mothers tears. My father laid on the bed, his skin was a light pale blue. To me he looked like he was asleep. Like the ways he would sleep in, on Sunday mornings. My mother just cried loudly and looked so weak. She some how managed to make it over to chair near the bed, where she just put her hands to her face, crying the loudest I had ever heard.
I walked over to my dad, a half eaten sandwich on the floor. I found it odd that his food was on the floor, Daddy never would of just let his food sit on the floor. I crawled next to my father, shaking him trying to wake him up. I yelled at the top of my lungs Daddy, Daddy Please wake up!! but still he laid there. I went to a childs last resort, thinking maybe this is just one of his games token to far. I jumped up and down on the bed making it shake as hard as I could, all the while crying muffled words Daddy wake up!Daddy?Daddy?. Finally I had just gotten to tired, in my last jump I landed on my fathers chest, but no giant puff of a humph from me landing on his chest. Nothing at all. Slowly My understanding of death started to build. I clung to my daddy softly begging him to wake. My tears muffled all my words.
I crawled over to my mother, she was worse off then before. Her eyes were just made of tears. I asked her why daddy would not get up hoping she had the answer I wanted; all my mother said was we lost him, hes gone baby I could not at first understand him being gone, he was right in front of us, he was not gonebut I knew he was not here either. My daddy would of never let me cry like this.
Even after my understanding grew I never wanted to let him go, He was blue and stiff but he was still my daddy. When it was time to go I still clung to my father, my mother called to me saying its time to leave. But I just buried my face in his shirt crying more and more. My mother tried to explain death to me Hes dead, hes in Heaven now with God
No! I screamed hes not.. I wont let him go NO!. My mother tried to pull me off of my father, but I didnt want to leave, I wasnt ready. I wanted more time, maybe if I stayed long enough he would wake up. My mother again grabbed me pulling me off as much as she could. I then screamed such a loud ear piercing scream that only a little girl can make, Im sure if their was crystal there that day, I would of shattered it with my scream. My mother had to get one of the hotel men to help pull me off my father. It was
only five days tell his forty-first birthday and three months tell I turned three.
To this day, fifteen years latter I still wish for more time with him. I still sometimes think how unfair it is how long some people had with him, but me his only daughter got less then three years. I just now try and cherish the moments I can remember and the photos I have to fill in the blanks. If nothing else I have learned to cherish the moments I have in my life right now, knowing first hand how quickly they can disappear.
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I take photographs to hold onto time
I write to capture the feelings of each momment before it dies
I am me for the choices I make each and everyday
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