reflectiongone18
Registered user
Global user
Registered: 02-2006
Posts: 1
Karma: 0 (+0/-0)
|
|
Reply | Quote
|
|
One Girls Longing
Okay so this is my story and Im going to give it a PG-13 rating. I am going to go ahead and say now it is all based on a girl who is gay. If you arent okay with that then dont read it. Its a work in progress right now but I really would like people to comment on it and tell me what you really think. This is the first chapter
I walked into my room and as always threw my bag on the floor and went straight for the computer. I sat down at the desk and pressed the mute button, and the music started up once again. See normally I just leave my computer running, but because I never know when my roommate will be in the room, I have to make sure to hit the mute button so she doesn’t have to deal with my computer when I’m gone. Also it made it so my music would keep going and I could quickly get myself lost in it again.
After I started my computer back up again, I checked my away messages. There was one from my cousin just saying hi, then another from a classmate asking if I could help them with there lab, and finally there was one from her. It wasn’t even a big deal. It was just her saying thank you for something that I had done earlier in the day, yet when I saw her screen name my heart sank down into my stomach and I almost wanted to cry. It wasn’t like it should have been a big deal, I mean she is my best friend after all.
I finally exited out of all the boxes and went to check my email. I tried to pull open the internet explorer, but before I got a chance an instant messenger box popped up. Of course, because I decided not to come back yet, my away message came straight up so I didn’t get to see what the person said. I clicked on the box and scrolled up to where the writing was. It was her again. Once again I could feel the familiar pang in my chest as I read what she wrote to me. It wasn’t anything big, just telling me that her friend was coming into town and she wanted to know if I wanted to hang out with them tonight. Before I ever even got the chance to respond, I heard a cough behind me. I spun around quickly to see my roommate standing in the doorway with that look on her face like, I know that there’s something on your mind so why don’t you just tell me. She knew how much pain I had been in lately, and sometimes I think if she wasn’t here to listen to me complain then I probably would have completely lost it.
“Andi I’m tearing myself apart inside and I don’t know why. I am trying so hard to be her best friend. So hard to sit here and tell her that everything is going to be fine and she’s going to find an amazing girl, when all I really want to do is wrap my arms around her and tell her she’s safe with me.” Andi gave me that half a smile I know babe look and sat down in her chair. I could tell she was trying to find the right words to say to me, but they just weren’t coming. We sat there just looking at each other as the song on my computer hit the chorus. It was kind of sad how perfect the timing of the song was, so instead of saying anything else to Andi I just turned up the song.
“What hurts the most was being so close, and having so much to say, and watching you walk away. And never knowing, what could have been, and not seeing that loving you is what I was trying to do.” Once the chorus ended I turned the song back down and tried to fight back the tears in my eyes.
“Manda I know it hurts. I know how bad you are feeling right now and I know how much you miss her and want her back.” I just shook my head and sighed. I felt more then bad, I felt completely crushed and heart broken. I would do anything for Paige, but yet nothing I could ever do for her was good enough. The situation was sad really. I was chasing after a girl, who is chasing after another girl, who is chasing after another girl. Confusing I know, but basically she wants someone who is hurting her and putting her at second best, and I am doing the same thing she is.
“I just don’t understand how she can do this to me. How she could sit there and tell me how much she wanted to be with me, and how she thought we would be something wonderful. Then turn around and say never mind I want to try and be with the girl that treats me like ****.”
“You could say the same thing for yourself Amanda. Look at yourself. Instead of going out there and trying for someone new, you are chasing after the girl that treats you bad and wants someone else.” I looked at Andi and then just put my head down. I knew my roommate was right but there was nothing I could do about it. I was in love with Paige, and no matter how hard I tried to break away from her I just couldn’t do it. After the whole thing happened, I tried to not talk to her anymore, but then I just found myself missing her even more and wanting my friend back. So then I broke down and told her I wanted her back as my friend, and found out how hard it really was to just be friends. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve done it before with other people, but there is just something about her. It’s the way she smiles and laughs, the way she looks at you with her deep brown eyes. I think the worst, is after she is hurting. After something happens to her that hurts her badly, if I am there with her, she looks into my eyes with this look of desperation. Almost like she is begging me to make everything better for her and make everything stop hurting. Its then that I want to grab her and tell her it will all be okay and just hold her there but I can’t.
“Sweetie I hate to interrupt your thought process, but your computer is blinking at you.” I turned back around in my chair and looked at my computer. I had completely forgot that Paige had instant messenged me about hanging out tonight. I started asking her questions about what we would do, and she explained to me that her best friend Shae was coming into town and she was thinking that all of us could go to the club and watch some performance they were having there. Of course, I told her whatever she wanted to do was fine with me and went to start getting ready. Shae would be coming over to my room before we went out because Paige had to take her roommate to some other party first. I really didn’t care. Shae was one of my friends too now so hanging out with her didn’t bother me. Its kind of weird, Shae is Paige’s best friend, but she is also the one that’s been helping me through the whole painful situation.
“So exactly what is going on tonight Manda?” I looked over at Andi and she had a confused look on her face. I knew that she wouldn’t be happy with me going out with Paige tonight, but I also knew that she would let me do it. She knew that I had to make my own choices even if they hurt me.
“I’m going out to the club with Paige and Shae.” Andi looked at me and just shook her head. She knew exactly what I knew. It was going to be a bad decision, but I just didn’t know how to say no to Paige. It was like I was incapable of doing it.
“Well have fun tonight kiddo.” I gave Andi my best half a smile I could muster up and walked over to my closet to pick out some clothes. Paige was going to be in a bad mood tonight and that was only going to make everything that much worse. Not only was her ex Nickie being a ***** to her, but on top of that Molly, the girl who she wants to be with, is with her ex-girlfriend who came up for the weekend. Yeah, tonight was going to be all different kinds of hell, and all I could do was grin and bear it because after all she is my best friend.
|
|
2/12/2006, 7:50 pm
|
Send Email to reflectiongone18
Send PM to reflectiongone18
|
wanderingsoul
Head Administrator
Global user
Registered: 07-2003
Location: Wandering
Posts: 403
Karma: 2 (+2/-0)
|
|
Reply | Quote
|
|
Re: One Girls Longing
It’s good. I like that you’ve written it in the first person. You’ve done that well. There are no references to anything outside of your character’s perception. It’s always hard to remember you can only write what your character would actually perceive or know. And for this type of story, I think the first person works best.
The relationships spoken off are dizzying—one person in love with someone who is after someone else who is after someone else—but that’s how life is.
The one thing I would fix is your paragraphing. Some of that, I suspect, is just the way a Word document sometimes transfers to this format. It doesn’t always leave a line between paragraphs. Depends on how your Word document handles paragraphing and line breaks. But there are other places that you should break for a new paragraph. It is customary to start a new paragraph when a different person speaks (or thinks), as in the following:
“Manda I know it hurts. I know how bad you are feeling right now and I know how much you miss her and want her back.” I just shook my head and sighed.
This should be broken as follows:
“Manda I know it hurts. I know how bad you are feeling right now and I know how much you miss her and want her back.”
I just shook my head and sighed.
And just two spelling/grammar things:
I had completely forgot that… Forgot should be forgotten.
Its kind of weird… Its should be It’s.
I think as a first chapter it is a good start. So far your story, characters and dialog are believable, realistic. And it makes me want to know what happens next.
I hope you post more. And I also hope you tell me who you are, because your writing style sounds familiar but you have not left me many clues to follow. 
---
And by and by my Soul returned to me, And answered "I Myself amd Heav'n and Hell"
Omar Khayyam
|
|
2/21/2006, 3:21 am
|
Send Email to wanderingsoul
Send PM to wanderingsoul
|
Add a reply
Powered by AkBBS 0.9.5b - Link to us
- Blogs
- Hall of Honour
- Chat
Click here to get your own free message board
|
You are not logged in (login)
Board's time is: 11/25/2009, 6:43 am
|
|
|
